A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time.

The father and son are in the hotel lobby when they spot an elevator.

"What's that Paw?" The boy asked.

"I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" Replied the father.

Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cane, waits for the doors to open and gets in.

The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.

They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.

The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !"

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are
going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing
whatever hymn that comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out "CROSS ."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE" The congregation
began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER" The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into
total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old
87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."

PERKS OF BEING 50 AND OVER....
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
Oh, and just so you know I am over 50!

Over 50; Odds are that you have lived longer than you have left to live

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

Good jokes kj!

As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.

"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.

"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.

"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.

As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I bet you are sorry you had me neutered."

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

Now I'm smiling!

Here's one for Thanksgiving;


A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

LOL. Good one, Snowman.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. - Dr. Seuss

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have any film.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Everybody repeat after me... We are all individuals.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Looks like we're the only two that love to tell jokes. :( Surely there are people on this forum that have a good joke or two to share.

I can always think of good jokes when there's no one to tell them to. Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. Keep 'em comin'...you'll inspire the rest of us.

Pssst, hey Cindy, I do stand-up comedy in my spare time. I'm my best fan, heck, I'm my only fan. :(

www.hillarynutcraker.com

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...

Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
and what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

Ba dump bump

You're killin' me kj! You must do stand-up too,eh?

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

Angel On Top Christmas Tree

Once upon a time things were not going well at Santa's Work Shop north of the Upper Peninsula at the North Pole. All of Santa's little helpers wanted a raise and were threatening to form a union. Minimum wage was $2.35 an hr. with no toy making experience, for the first 90 days, with a 40 cent raise then after, if you were never late, or missed a day for unexcused absence and did a good job. A excellent insurance plan came free, with dental and optical no co-pays. But you had to pass a drug test. You were given time and a half after 32 hrs. and could put 10 hrs. a day in and 6 on Saturday. Never had to work on Sunday, or Holiday's. Santa ran a family friendly shop.

But yet things were not going well this one year way back when, the helpers wanting more money and less hours, a shipment of paint from China had lead in it. He had to fire that person in purchasing for not using made in the USA products. Some of the Reindeer became sick from eating contaminated food, the runner on the sled broke, his favorite pair of socks he always wore had a hole in the toe, and Mrs. Clause didn't want to darn it for him. He went to fill his pipe to try to calm down, but the bag was empty. He became so darn mad he was about to explode. Then came this Angel with a Christmas Tree and asked Santa, "Hey Big Guy where do you want this Christmas tree? Well he told that Angel where to put it. And that is the story of how the Angel got on top of the Christmas tree.

No, my knee hurts too much to do stand up. I do sit down.

How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.

How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
With Tyrannosaurus checks.

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?
Tyrannosaurus Tex.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer!

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!

What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?
Bugs Bunny.

What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?
Wet feet.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.

What's green and loud?
A froghorn.

What's round and bad-tempered?
A vicious circle.

I got a million o' them!

What's Green And can be left out all night?

Patty O'Furniture

Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" "He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."

Snowman, thanks for starting this thread. It's fun to come here for a few chuckles.

Snow problem Katiaire, glad they sleigh you!

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."


While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, a minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes."

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

What do you call a calf after it's six months old?
Seven months old.

What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in
Cincinnati?
Dead.

Ha, ha, ha, loved the new jokes that were posted! Okay how about this one:

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the
bar tender here?"

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."

I'm laughing so hard at kj's jokes that my face is froze into a smile!
I can't believe with all the members on this forum that no one else has a joke to share.

Oh well, I'm still having fun and that's snow lie.

One day, a blonde goes into a store. She gets an item and walks up to the cashier. She says,"I'd like to buy this TV".

He says,"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".

The next day, she dyes her hair red and goes back in the store, but the same thing happens.

Finally, she shaves her head and goes back in. When she tries to buy it for the third time, the man refuses.

She says, "How the heck do you know I'm blonde?".

He replied, "First of all, that's a microwave."

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,
"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

Harry's wife says, "Harry, do these jeans make my butt look like the side of the house?" He says, "No, our house isn't blue."

A lawyer is driving along in his Catty and sees a guy eating grass; so he stops and asks him why he is eating grass? The guy says "ain't got any food." The lawyer asks if he is hungry? The guy replies, "I sure am." The lawyer tells him to get in the car. The guy says, " I have a wife and 5 kids" The lawyer replies; Bring them all along, I have a large yard full of foot high grass so theres plenty for everybody :-)

Gusso, that was funny! :)

Luke and Jake two hobos just arive in town and this guy asks if they want to earn some money and a free meal. Jake says, "Depends on what you want us to do." The guy tells them; "I have this hedge around my yard and its getting rather shaggy and I want it trimmed waist high and I haven't had a chance to trim it." The hobos agree to do it. The hedge runs on two sides and across the front. So to make it go faster Jake starts on one side and Luke the other. The weather is nice and the shears are sharp so things go soothly, until they get to the front where they can see each other and realize something is very wrong.Then it dawns on them; Luke is well over 6 feet tall and jake is hardly over 5 feet tall. So they retrim Lukes part of the hedge to Jake's waist; and they get their pay and meal.

Luke and Jake walking a rail line in the spring.
JAKE: Sure is nice to be on the road again.
LUKE: Aye it is that,where did you spend the winter Jake?
JAKE: In the calaboose
LUKE: How did ye end up there?
JAKE: Well I asked the coppers to put me up for a night, but said they can't do that any more; so threw a brick through a store window and got 90 days.
LUKE: Well I stayed with my uncle on the farm.
JAKE: I'll bet he made you work for your keep?
LUKE: Yep, but it wasn't too bad. When it got really cold I got sick.
JAKE: Did ye see a doctor?
LUKE: Yup; the Doc. said my veins was too close and gave me some pills, but I didn't take them.
JAKE: The Doc. said your veins were too close?
LUKE: He said I had very close veins.
JAKE: Why didn't you take the pills?
LUKE: Directions said;"Take one pill 3 times a day" and there is no way one can take the same pill 3 times, so I gave them to the horses.
JAKE: Your uncle has horses?
LUKE: Yup brown horses and black ones. Funny thing with those horses, the brown ones ate more hay than the black ones.I thought it was the pills I gave them, but we figured it out okay.
JAKE: Why did the brown ones eat more?
LUKE: Mainly because there was more brown horses.

I love Luke and Jake! They remind me of a Yooper version of George Burns and Gracie Allen.
Keep 'em comin' Gusso! :)

Did you hear about the guy who was trimming with the weed trimmer and accidentally cut off his kitty's tail as she was hiding in the grass?

He rushed the kitty and the cut-off tail immediately to Walmart.

Why?.......
Because Walmart is one of the largest retailers in the country.

Hobo Jake knocks on a door and a woman answers.
JAKE: Morning Mum.
WOMAN: Morning Bum.
JAKE: I just got into town.
WOMAN: Well why don't you go out again.
JAKE: I don't know where me next meal is coming from.
WOMAN: Do ye think this is an information center.
JAKE: Might ye have a bite to ate in the house?
WOMAN: I have that and a 6 foot husband coming home soon, ye better run along Bum.

I laughed so hard at those jokes that my carrot fell off. :)


o
0
O

One of Lukes favorite stories was about when he was a youngster and worked as a cook's helper in a lumber camp. Him and the cook got so tired of the Jacks complaining about raisin pie all winter long. So Luke and the cook started collecting dead flys and when they collected enough they mixed them as they would for raisin pie put them in a nice crust with strips of crust over the top and cooked them. When the Jacks ate the pie they commented on how nice it was to have someting other than raisin pie all the time.
The cook told them it was fly pie but they just thought he was joking and finished up all the fly pies.

Just in case anyone is curious about my Luke and Jake stories; true the names are fictious; however, they are based on stories I have heard.
When I was a youngster (many years ago) on the Hancock water front there used to be a bunch of what we called "Bum Shacks" where many bums used to stay during the summer and for winter they would either get themselves locked up or jump a southbound freight. During the summer me and many of my friends used to spend time fishing on the canal and of course many of the bums would fish for their meals. They all had stories to tell to us. Granted some of the stories were interesting. Then some couldn't be written here for various reasons. Most of these guys had rode the rails as hobos at some time or other, starting with the big depression time.

Gusso, what a heart-warming story that was. Gitchee Gumee must have been a lifesaver for a lot of poor souls. She must have saved as many as she took away.
Thank you for this step back into the past where it seems as not one soul ever lost their sense of humor.

o
0
O

Speaking of fishing;


The difference between a fairy tale and a fish story is a fairy tail begins, "Once upon a time..." and a fish story begins, " This ain't no bull_ _ _ _!"

Fishing- Fairy tales: That is true different start same finish in some cases. Aside frome the almost fish tales.

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “I'm going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.
They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.
But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

Real Stories of the Non-Technical

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
***************
I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
*************
"Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
"A little. What's wrong?"
"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
"How did you load the sheet?"
"It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident. So I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."
************
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
"I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote control door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think that store would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the keys and manually unlocked the door, I said, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries? It's a long walk."
**************
Tech Support: What does the screen say now?
Caller: It says 'Hit ENTER when ready.'
Tech Support: Well?
Caller: How do I know when it's ready?

Heikki and Uno went fishing in a rented row boat. "This looks like a good spot," said Heikki. Some time goes go by and no luck. "Let's move to a nutter spot," said Uno. So they tried over in the weeds. Soon they was catching lots of big fish. "This is a good spot," says Heikki. "We should mark this spot so we can find it next time," said Uno I got some chalk I will put a X on the bottom of the boat." Heikki said,"You are dumber then a dumbbell Uno, what if we don't get the same boat next time?"

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"
The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The next child walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,
"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
The last child walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."
The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

Some more jokes: http://alumnac.com/jokes.php

What a way to wake up in the morning! Thanks for the smiles!!!

o
0
O

Oly and three of his buddies have gone fishing every Saturday for nearly forty years. One Saturday, the guys are fishing along a highway when a funeral processional drives by. Well, Oly lays down his pole, stands up in the boat, takes off his lucky hat and places it over his heart. This processional is huge and takes nearly five minutes to pass. Once it passes, Oly sits down, puts his hat on and casts out without saying a word. Needless to say his buddies are floored by his actions. One of them finally speaks up and says, "that sure was a respectful thing you did there when they went by." Oly replied, "It seems the least I could do seeing as how I've been married to the woman for over forty years!"

Well Thanksgiving is slowly drawing near so here goes;


How can you tell a male turkey from a female turkey?
The male is the one holding the remote control.

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

Well folks, looks like it's the farmer's turn now!

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

Thank you, thank you everyone, no need for applause and no need for a big pause. Jump in and have some fun, it feels good to smile. :)

Just remember;

Wear a smile and have friends; wear a scowl and have wrinkles.

I had a session with my therapist today. I told her I was dreaming of Tepee's and Wigwams.

She told me to settle down, that I was just two tents,

I had a terrible nightmare last night! That I was back in the 1990's.Dan Quale and Sonny Bono were running for office, and they won.

A Southern police officer pulls a local over for speeding. Gets out of his car, walks up to the drivers door and says "Do you have any ID? The driver seems a little confused and says "About What?

A hen Turkey was picketing a supermarket. On her sign it said--"You just love us for our breasts"!

Two brothers, 8 & 10, lying in bed one night, decided they were getting pretty grownup and needed to start swearing like their dad. The older of the two said he thought he'd start saying "Oh H***". The younger thought this was a bit too adult for him. He thought a few minutes and said, "I guess I could say "You bet your a**".
Next morning, Mom is bustling about the kitchen and asks the big brother what he wants for breakfast. He leans back in his chair, all nonchalant, and says "Oh H***, I guess I'll have some Cream of Wheat". Well. She grabbed him by the ear, paddled him all the way up the stairs, and told him he could stay in his room all day! She stomped back down stairs, really aggravated, and glared at the little one snarling "And what do you want for breakfast?" Eyes big, he said quietly "I don't know, but you bet your a** it won't be Cream of Wheat!"

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well" said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the tub".

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor, "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

Loved all the jokes! Isn't it fun to smile instead of frown???

I just today happened on the web site for the Finnish International Grand Festival at Marquette, MI, August 2005

Although I'd been to that site some time ago, I guess I missed this item. I realize that over two years after the fact is a bit late to discover this little curiosity, but if only for the amusement value, here 'tis [emphasis added]:

---

Quote:

"Tero Tuononen brought his lovingly restored m/29 Finnish army field kitchen to the event. Authentic Finnish Army pea soup was served out of it by a Finnish veteran now residing in Florida. Mr. Snodgrass personally ate 15 bowels of it so he could talk to the lovely Anna who was serving the soup."

---

That was pretty entertaining! Loved the comments under the pictures! Fifteen bowls of pea soup, now that's love.

I love Peasoup.Not fog like peasoup this morning we had here until 10:00 am.

I saw a manikin advertizing panties 1/2 off!

Don't you think eating all that pea soup might turn you into a vegetable?

Saw Fruit of the Loom advertised for 1/2 off, grapes not included.

I'm so tired of waiting for UPS or FedEx. Why don't they merge and call themselves;

FED-UP!

One Christmas, Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle
of a pasture. A shepard leading his flock decided to take a
shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of
the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepard began
tugging them to the other side.

"Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to
pull the wool over our ice!"

Don't want to bore you but I think you'll like this one:

I was travelling to Seattle on business. Knowing how the weather is up there
(and lacking the proper clothing), I went to a local outdoor shop for
inclement weather clothing. Not finding what I was looking for, I went to
another. Then another. Finally, a salesman suggested that I go to Rudolph's.

"Rudolph's?" I said, surprised. "Do you mean the Russian specialty store?"

To which the salesman answered, "Rudolph the Red knows rain gear."

KEWEENAW GHOST STORY: During a real nasty snow storm in the Keweenaw, snow was coming so heavy that one could hardly see 3 feet ahead. There was Troll driving along and started fish tailimg and got stuck in the snow bank. He remembered seeing a restaurant about a mile up the road, so he got out of the car and started walking to it.Then he saw a car moving very slowly and then it stopped so he figured he was being offered a ride, so he got in the car, but when he turned to say thanks; there was no driver, yet the car was moving, next he saw a hand and arm come in the driver side window; touch the steering wheel and disappeared. after this happened a few times he jumped out of the car and started running to the restaurant. When he told them he saw a ghost car on the road. Everybody laughed and asked if he had too much to drink or somthing. A short time later two guys come into the restaurant and one says to the other, "Look Jake tars tat guy who was riding in the car when we were pushing and didn't even offer to steer it for us. :-)

Two Yoopers brothers were putting siding on their house. The older one started on the east side, the other on the west side. After a while, the older brother walked over to the west side to watch his younger brother, (who was dumb as a house,) and see how his work was going. His younger brother would carefully look at each siding nail, and would throw away about half of them. "Why are ya trowing away all da nails?" asked the old brother. "Because da got da heads on da wrong end!" said the younger brother. "Stupid," said the older brother, "I can use dem on MY side of the house!"

Here's one for all you dog lovers:

Walkin' in A Doggie Wonderland


Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know it's
mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fencepost,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland.

"Heikki, my son, take this letter to the post office, buy a stamp and mail it."

After a while Heikki returned.

"Did you mail the letter Heikki?"

"Yes, Pa, but I saved 41 cents. I saw a lot of people putting letters in a mail slot, so I watched for a chance when no one was looking and I put mine in too."

Here's a very funny animation for all you Baby Boomers ...
Baby Boomers

Eino and Toivo were sitting at the Side Track in Baraga enjoying a few bottles of Old Milwaukee. As usually happens with bottled beer, the label came off the bottle. Now this label being rather attractive, caught Eino's attention. Not sure what to do with this highly desirable bit of memorabilia, Eino decided to stick it to his forehead. Several beers later, or was it several hours later, Eino and Toivo decide it's time to start for home. Now, these two boys live in Pelkie, so, of course, they must drive home. As luck would have it, not too far down the road, the cops pull Eino and Toivo over. The officer asks, "Have you boys been drinking"? Eino wondering why the officer would ask such a thing ponders the officer's question for several moments, shaking his head and pointing to his forehead he stutters, "No Siree, Officer. We're on da patch.

That was too funny Snowman! ROFLMAO!

kj, if you liked that one, check this one out!

Toivo was at the bar in Baraga drinking a Stroh's and watchin the Packers on the television when a big tall rancher from Texas came strolling in. The Texan started drinking and bragging to Toivo about how much money he made and how many head of cattle he owned. He said to Toivo in a loud voice, "I can drive all day and never reach the end of my property!". Toivo replied, "Yah, I got a pickup like dat too, mister."

A guy calls up the local Salvation Army one Christmas season-- "Do you still save bad women?"--- "Why yes we do" was the answer---"Well save me a few, I'll be right over to get them!" (groan)

Too funny Russ!

BEAR ALERT:

In the UP, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in the Porcupine Mountains. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings so they can be alert for the presence of Black Bears. One can tell Black Bear droppings because of the tiny bells in it.

The tech support problem dates back to days long before the industrial revolution. Picture two primitive cavemen, with the sounds of tribal drums beating out a rhythm:

Fire Help. Me Groog.
Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.
You have flint and stone?
Ugh.
You hit them together?
Ugh.
What happen?
Fire not work.
(sigh) Make spark?
No spark. No fire. Me confused. Fire work yesterday.
(sigh) You change rock?
Me change nothing.
You sure you change nothing?
Well, make one small change. Rock get hot, burn Lorto hand. So me dunk rock in stream.
Wait there. Me make on-site support call...
(Groog grabs club, walks to Lorto's cave, where soon one hears WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!)

Which just goes to show, quite often the proper response to a tech support request is to delete the user!

A man is driving along in his car one day when he has a flat tire. When his car rolls to a stop, he happens to be on a stretch of road next to an insane asylum. As the man is changing the tire, a patient is on the far side of the fence watching him. As the man changes the tire, he places the lug nuts in the hub cap. Later he accidentally kicks the hub cap, spilling the nuts out where the roll down a nearby sewer grate. As the man stands there trying to figure out what to do, the patient walks over to the fence.
Patient: 'Saw what happened.'
Driver : 'I'm stuck now. What do I do?'
Patient: 'Take one nut off the other three wheels and use it to hold this one until you can get to a garage.'
Driver : 'That's brilliant! Now why would someone of your insight be in an insane asylum?'
Patient: 'Being crazy doesn't make me stupid...'

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."
The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died."
The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've ever had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."
Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too."
Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What went wrong? What did you do to them?"
Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or too close together."

How could you not crack at a smile at those jokes? So glad this site finally allows some laughter!

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

now that's a blonde :) LOL

Naming The Twins, Redneck Style:

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.

Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.

But the hospital was in a real hurry to
get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"

Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"

The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."

A fellow with a bad cough comes in to the pharmacy, walks up to the counter and asks for the pharmacist. A young clerk tells him that the pharmacist is not available. The man asks the young clerk if he can recommend anything for his cough.
The clerk gives him a bottle of some medicine. The customer takes a big swig, then after a few minutes, with no apparent relief, he takes another, and another.
In a short while, the pharmacist returns, and sees his old friend, the customer with the cough, sitting quietly in a booth near the soda fountain. He says to his clerk that the fellow has never before stopped at the soda fountain.
The clerk proudly tells the pharmacist the story of his transaction. The pharmacist looks at the recommended medication and angrily reprimands the clerk for recommending a laxative instead of cough syrup.
The clerk reminds the pharmacist the whatever the mode, the medication was effective. The pharmacist asks how that is possible, and the clerk replies, "Now, he's afraid to cough!"

An old man goes into a Catholich church and enters the confessional. The following conversation ensues.
Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I have been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was initimate with a gorgeous 18 year old girl.
Father: When was your last confession?
Man: I've never confessed. I'm Jewish.
Father: Then why are you telling me this?
Man: I am telling everybody.

Three men-a Canadian farmer,Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it

I will give each one of you one wish, says the Genie.

The Canadian says,"Iam a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed,so he said "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land.

Poof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says,"I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, its about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out, its virtually impenetrable."

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."

Gene in Wayland

A middle-class man decides to go off and join a monastery which requires an oath of silence. No speech is allowed except for two words every 5 years, in order to sum up one's experiences to the head monk.
After the first 5 years, the monk asked him what two words described his experiences and all he said was "HARD BEDS."
When the next 5 year period came, the monk asked how things were and he replied "BAD FOOD."
After 5 more years, he walked up to the monk and said, "I QUIT!"
The monk nodded and muttered "Yes, this doesn't surprise me. You've been doing nothing but complaining for the past 15 years!"

Ha, Ha, Ha!!! Good jokes!!

Toivo and his brother went deer hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female deer costume and learned the mating call of a female deer.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the buck, then come out of the costume and shoot the buck. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the deer love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a huge buck came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the buck was close enough, Toivo said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, Toivo's brother in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

Toivo says, "Heck, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back to the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU"VE GOT MAIL!"

Now I'm smilin'!

Three men laying in beds in a Hospital ward room.

First man looks over at the second and ask's,"What you here for?"

He say's, " I have arthritis so bad I can't move around." "What you in for?"

He say's," I have pneumonia."

Both men look over at the third man laying there with his face bandaged up and asks him, " What you in here for?"

He answers,"Seen-us."

The other two men say," Seen-us, don't you mean sinus?"

He said,"No, I was fooling around with this guys wife and he seen us."

Three young men were contemplating entering college, when they heard a rumor of a miracle cliff located in the deep jungle. If one had the presence of mind to shout out a wish as one jumped off the cliff, the wish would be granted. This sounded easier than college, so their college funds were spent on a trip to the jungle.

When they arrived at the cliff the first man jumped and as he fell he shouted "I want to be a millionaire!". Suddenly a magnificent yacht appeared on the river beneath him, and he settled gently onto the deck to begin his new life of ease.

The second man jumped and as he fell he shouted "I want to be an eagle!" and as he fell his body changed shape, his arms became wings, his legs shortened to become tail feathers, and he flapped off to land on a nearby peak to watch the fate of his friend.

The third man walked back away from the edge and got a running start, and as he ran off the edge of the cliff he tripped on a stone and shouted out "Oh, crap!"

A couple in their 80's had been married for 60 years. They still lived on their own, and got on quite well. They both had a bit of trouble remembering things, but neither admitted it.

One evening they were watching TV and the wife got up to go to the kitchen. She said "Honey, I'm going to get some ice cream. Would you like some?" He replied "Yes please, and make sure you put a cherry on top. Last time, you forgot the cherry. Maybe you should write it down." She replied "Old man, I can remember from here to the kitchen that you want a cherry on your ice cream." And she left for the kitchen.
About 20 minutes pass, with the sounds of pots banging and pans clanging coming from the kitchen. The wife walks back into the living room carrying two plates of scrambled eggs. As she hands one to the old man, he cackles out "I knew it! I said you would forget if you didn't write it down. You forgot my bacon!"

(The sad thing is, I'm in my 40's and already this isn't too far from the truth...)

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

A middle-aged spinster was tragically killed in an accident. When she arrived at the Pearly Gates she was informed by St Peter that her death was truly an accident, that it wasn't yet her time. Due to the publicity surrounding the event he couldn't send her back as herself. But she could pick any average person from history, not anyone famous, and go back as them. The woman immediately replied "I want to return as Sarah Pippeline". Peter left to search through the heavenly rolls and returned sometime later to inform the woman that there was no record of a "Sarah Pippeline" ever having lived. The woman reaches into her dress pocket and produces an old, worn, and folded newspaper article. Peter reads it, chuckles, and says "Dear, you need to get yourself a pair of glasses. This article says it took 1000 men 10 years to finish laying the Sahara Pipeline".

That was funny Dale!!

Hey, speaking of jokes, what ever happened to Joanie GonnaBeAYooper? This thread would have been perfect for her.

> Maybe I shouldn't give you some of these, but here goes:
> Investment tips for 2007 For all of you with any money left, be aware >of
>the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and
>make some BIG bucks.
>
> Watch for these consolidations in 2007.
>
> 1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.
>Grace Co. Will merge and become:
> Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
>
> 2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
>become:
> Poly, Warner Cracker.
>
> 3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become:
> MMMGood.
>
> 4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
>merge and become:
> ZipAudiDoDa.
>
> 5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
> FedUP.
>
> 6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
> Fairwell Honeychild.
>
> 7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
> Poupon Pants.
>
> 8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will >become:
> Knott NOW!

Christmas Cheer

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the "you know what" out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading.


MERRY CHRISTMAS.............CHEERS

Outside a small Macedonian village a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of this site of significant historical developments, spanning more than 2,000 years. When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia. However, that isn't likely to happen soon, as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army. The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed - either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of a democratic government that did not square with his own notion of "rule by an all-powerful tryant". When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base. When she goes, that will be it. Thus, that's how it ends, with No Huns, No Writs, No Eros, and Nun left on base.

(Probably my last post of the year. Figured I'd go out with a groan...)

Loved it! I didn't have a clue where the joke was leading to. I even thought, poor Dale, he's on the wrong thread! No groans here, just a big smile.

There was a clerk who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process
all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day a letter came to his desk addressed to God, in a scrawling penmanship.


He opened it and read:

Dear God,

I am a 93 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone
stole my purse. It had $100.00 in it, which was all the money I had until my
next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my
friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.
I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all of the other
workers. Each of them dug into their wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $94.00, which they put
into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all of the workers felt a warm glow for the kind
deed they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the
old lady addressed to God. All of the workers gathered around while the
letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of
your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We
had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $6 missing. I think it must have been those
thieving #&**#@'s at the Post Office.

Sincerely,
Edna

A young minister in La Harpe, IL., was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man who had died while traveling
through the area.

The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As he was not familiar with the backwoods area, the preacher became lost and being a typical man did not stop for directions.

He finally arrived an hour late and saw the crew eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the workers for his tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where he saw the concrete vault lid already in place. He assured the workers he would not hold them long but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around still eating their lunch. He poured out his heart and soul. As he preached, the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory," He preached and preached like he'd never preached before, from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

He closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to his car and felt he had done his duty for the homeless man and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication in spite of his tardiness.

As he was opening the car door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen nuthin' like this before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years!"

A young man, eager to impress his rich girlfriend, takes her to the finest restaurant in town and orders her the most expensive item on the menu, a dish with tongue in a savory sauce. She takes one look at it and says, "I'm not going to ear anything that comes from an animal's mouth!" He turns to the waiter and says, "Bring her a hard-boiled egg instead."

You guys are funny, thanks for the smiles.