• Previous years January 13 - 08:07 pm

A mindreader is at a nightclub one night and decides to give a small demonstration of her abilities to her friends. As the band performs their set, she concentrates on different members and reports the results to those at her table.

First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist: "Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! Good crowd!"

Then the drummer: "Lots of people showed up tonight...Great! we're going to make good money tonight!"

Then the Keyboard player: "All three of these guys have no appreciation of my talent...What a bunch of losers."

Finally, the Bass player: "C...G...C...G..."

(First post of the new year, and it's already Jan. 10. Somebody out there has got to have some new jokes! Or even some old ones that haven't been posted here yet. And BTW, I play bass, the above isn't really a joke, it's true!)

That's funny Dale! Here's one for ya;

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

Good one, Snowman!

A recent study states that the average American walks 900 miles per year. The average American drinks 22 gals of beer a year. That means we get 41 miles per gallon kind of makes you proud doesn't it?

Mikie, I'm swelled up with pride.

A man was taking his sports car out for a drive in the country when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him while letting out a loud "cockle-doodle-doo!". Wanting to learn more about a chicken that could run that fast, the man followed until the bird turned off the road and ran into a farmyard. There it joined a whole flock of chickens. The driver pulled into the farm, and as he watched the flock he was astonished to see that the chickens all had three legs!

The farmer soon came out to see what all the commotion was about. The driver asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens? I've never seen a three-legged chicken before!"

The farmer said "Well, we eat chicken a lot. I like a leg, my wife likes a leg, and my grandson visits and he likes a leg. So I bred them with three legs."

The man asked him how they tasted.

The farmer said, "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."

Dale, Dale, Dale, too funny!

The silver haired lady confronted her doctor with a complaint of pains all over her body.
"Be more precise," he said. "So I can help you, try pointing to some of the places that hurt.

The silver-haired doll put her finger on her arm and said, "Ouch!" then her finger to her hip and said, "Ouch!" and then to her rib cage and said, "Ouch!" again.

The doctor stopped her and asked, "Were you a blonde before your hair grayed"?

"Why yes!" she said excitedly, "But how did you know?"

The Doc answered, "Your finger's broken."

well, snowman...that is about one of the funniest in awhile

Here's one for you David;

Q: What's the Rednecks most popular pick up line?
A: Nice tooth!

I do a little 3D art on the side as a hobby..the tooth one fits an image I did awhile ago...


here's a larger image:
2 front teeth

Oh Man, I'm in love.

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics
While sitting on a bench,a lady turned to Ole and asked,"Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole said "No, I'm Norvegian and my name isn't Valter.

Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly, Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours.

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff. Climing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other,"Any idea where we are?"

Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year.

Youse guys put a smile on my face today! Good jokes!

OLE DIED


So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, "You Yust put "Ole died".

The gentleman,somewhat perplexed, said, Thats it? Just Ole died? There must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free..We must say something more".

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put,Ole died. Boat for sale."

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of He ll with the others?" "Ah, those . . ." Satan said with a groan. "They're all Yoopers. They're still too cold and wet to burn."

A down stater (Troll) was sitting at the bar in L'Anse and asked the bartender if he would like to hear a Finnlander joke. The bartender leaned over and said, "Do you see that guy in the corner? He is the local sheriff, and he is a Finn. The man at end of the bar works for the DNR and he is a Finn. And buddy, I myself am of Finnish descent. Now, are you sure you still want to tell a Finnlander joke?" The down stater replied, "No, not if I have to explain it three times."

Lempi took a job with Moyle Construction to paint lines on US41. The first day he painted ten miles. The boss was very impressed. The second day he painted two miles. The boss was a little disappointed. The third day he only painted 500 feet. The boss sat him down and said," Lempi, how come you paint ten miles the first day, two miles the next day, but only 500 feet today?". Lempi replied, "Well, ya see boss, each day I git farder and farder from da darn paint can".

Eino was coming out of Pickleman's Pantry in Newberry carrying a bag of pasties. Toivo was getting gas and saw him with the bag. "Hey, Eino. If I guess how many pasties you have in dat bag, can I have one?" Eino replied, "If you can guess how many I have, I'll give you both of them." Toivo answered, "Holywha! Okay, I think you have five of them."

One day, Toivo and Eino were hunting in the woods. Toivo instructed Eino that if he got lost, to fire 3 shots into the air. Eino agreed and they went on their way. After a few hours, Eino had gotten lost. He aims his weapon into the air, fires 3 shots and prays, "Please God, let Toivo see my arrows."

A man goes to the Minnesota Vikings ticket office and inquires about purchasing playoff tickets. The ticket teller replies that there aren't any tickets for sale because the Vikings did not make the playoffs.

The following day the same man goes to the Minnesota Vikings ticket office and inquires about purchasing Vikings playoff tickets. The ticket teller politely replies that there aren't any tickets for sale because the Vikings did not make the playoffs.

This goes on for an entire week. The man goes to the Vikings ticket office inquiring about playoff tickets and the teller says none are for sale because the Vikings did not make the playoffs.

Another week of this goes by and the man still is asking the ticket teller about Vikings playoff tickets. Finally the ticket teller says in a loud voice, " I'VE TOLD YOU FOR THE LAST 2 WEEKS THERE ARE NO TICKETS AVAILABLE BECAUSE THE VIKINGS DID NOT MAKE THE PLAYOFFS!!!

Smirking, the man replied, “I know. I drive all the way from Green Bay just to hear you say that!”

Funny jokes youse guys, here's one for everyone watching the playoffs today;

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.
"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."

An Irishman moved to London, and of course one of his first tasks was to find a pub. He found an appropriate Irish-friendly place and went there his first night in town. He approached the bartender and ordered three mugs of Guiness. The bartender dutifully drew the three mugs, and the man sat in a nearby booth. He would take one sip from each glass in turn, before returning to the first glass and starting over.
This went on for several weeks, when one night the bartender said "You know, these start to go flat as soon as I draw them. You'd be better off ordering and drinking them one at a time."
The Irishman replied "Yes, that's true. But this is a tradition. You see, me and my brothers all moved away from home. I'm here in London, one's in New York, and the other's in LA. But we agreed that on a certain night of the week we'd each go to a local pub and drink this way, and remember the times we were together at home." The bartender agreed this was a good custom, and the Irishman became a regular in the bar.
One evening the Irishman came in and only ordered two mugs. The entire place came to a hushed silence, as the bartender stammered for a moment then said "I'm sorry for your loss. It must be tough losing a brother."
The Irishman looked confused for a moment, then laughed, saying "Oh, no! Everyone's fine. I just quit drinking!"

Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"
"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world."

"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.

"I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates.

The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of an HMO."

St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven... but only for 2 days."

Ole had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.
'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Ole said, 'Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told Minnesota the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into da other. I vas hurting, real bad, and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after da accident da Minnesota Highway Patrolman came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her right 'twe en da eyes. Then the Patrolman came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling? Now vat the heck vould YOU say?'

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you idiot!'

One particular morning, the boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not only not showed up for work, but also hadn't phoned in sick. Having an urgent problem requiring this employee's expertise, the boss dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" Came the reply, "Yes."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy.", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman." came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter." answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."

Concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "ME!!!"

A teacher was teaching the colors and their flavors using lollipops. She distributed purple lollipops to her class and asked, "What flavor is purple?"
The class responded, "Grape."

She continued this with yellow, green, orange and red. The last lollipops distributed were a light yellow-brown (honey flavored). The children were unable to identify the flavor. Teacher suggested, as a clue to its name, "It's what your mother calls your father when he leaves for work in the morning."

Little Mary shouted, "Spit it out quick! It's a butthead!"

Mexico Drops Out Of 2008 Summer Olympics

President Felipe Calderón of Mexico has announced Mexico will not
participate in the next Summer Olympics. He stated, 'Casi cada uno que puede funcionar, saltar, o la nadada ha salido ya del país.'

Translation: 'Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.'

An older couple is lying in bed one morning.
They had just awakened from a good night's sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not?" he asked.
She answered, "Because I'm dead."
The husband asked.
"What are you talking about?
We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!"
She said, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insisted, "You are not dead.
What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

PHONES IN CHURCH
A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.
Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.
He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read 'Calls: $10,000 a minute.' Seeking out the
pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Dallas, St. Louis, Chicago, Minneapolis and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, upon entering a church in Escanaba, MI, behold - he saw the usual golden Telephone.
But THIS time, the sign read 'Calls: 35 cents.'
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, 'Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each Church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was
$10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, 'Son, you're in the U.P. now ...... You're in God's Country, It's a local call.'

A grandfather is walking thru the aisles of the super market with his squalling grandson. The whole time you can hear him saying, thats okay Mike soon we will be finished. Then down another aisle and he says thats okay Mike soon we will be cashing out, then just before the cash register he is heard saying soon we will be home Mike, the cashier says that is so nice of you tryin to calm little Mike. The grandfather says his name it Joseph, I am Mike.

A man owned a small farm and employed several locals as farmhands. It came to the attention of the State Labor Department that he was not paying proper wages to some of his employees. They sent an agent to investigate. The agent arrived on the farm and demanded an accounting of the people employed on the farm and how much each was payed.

The farmer said "Well, there's my farmhand who has been with me for three years. I pay him $500 per week plus free room and board. The cook has been here 18 months, she gets $350 per week and free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day, does about 90% of the work around here, and makes $50 per week. He pays his own room and board. I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he gets to sleep in my bed once in a while."

The government agent said he wanted to talk to the half-wit.

The farmer replied, "That would be me."

For Mikie:

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you life span of twenty years.' But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the Sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Dale, you seem to know me pretty well. Do you walk by the big oak tree on the corner and get yelled at by me? Well stay off my grass. You don't know how hard it is getting for me to catch everyone who goes by. I have to stop what I am doing and run to the door of the shop and then yell at them. The worst one is the little cat from across the street who has figured out how to turn on the outside motion lights and then sit in the light cleaning himself. I rigged the lights to ring a bell in the shop when they are turned on. By the time I get to the outside he has moved. Then there is the possum who has figured out the same thing. The two of them are driving me nuts. Then the squirels who are in the garbage cans, ripping the plastic tops off. I have found one thing about squirels, when I change Jimmie the fat white cats litter box they stay out whatever can I put the sand in. And Precious says I don't have enough to do.

You guys put a big smile on my face today!

Hey, where did the jokes go? Oh boy, am I seeing things again?

Editor's note: This is a good time to remind all the jokesters to please keep the jokes you post here, tasteful and family friendly. Some of the jokes have tended to be a bit more "racy" lately, so they were removed.
Our "rule of thumb" here on the Pasty.com Joke Page, is that if would be hard to explain to a grade schooler, then it's not appropriate for these pages. Thanks for adhering to our rules. 8-)

The Simpson's invited their new neighbors the Parkers over to dinner. During dinner Mr Simpson asked Mr Parker what he did for a living.
4 year old Billy Parker jumped in and said

" Daddy is a fisherman!"

To which Mrs Parker replied" Billy why do say that? Your daddy is a stock broker not a fisherman."

"No Mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says I just caught another fish."

Spinster Mildred was the church busybody of Smallville, extremely judgmental and constantly clucking her tongue at the least indiscretions of others. One Sunday after services, the congregation met in the basement of the church for a potluck lunch. Over the din of the crowd, Mildred's shrill voice could be heard chastising Henry, a quiet unassuming gent who lived alone in a small cabin on the edge of town. "So what were you doing at the Redstone Bar last night, Henry? Getting drunk?" Henry quietly replied, "I wasn't in a bar last night." "Yes, you were!", Mildred loudly replied. "I saw your old pickup truck parked in front. There is only one reason for parking your truck there!" By then, others in the crowd had ceased talking and had their attention riveted on the altercation. Henry wasn't one to draw attention to himself. He mumbled a few words and quietly walked away. That evening, shortly after dark, Henry parked his old pickup truck in front of Mildred's house and walked home. Ya gotta love guys like Henry, eh?

Good one Heikki!

This story is told about Abe Lincoln. During a campaign for a seat in Congress, Lincoln attended a preaching service of Peter Cartwright's. Cartwright asked all who wished to go to heaven to stand up. All arose but Lincoln. Then Cartwright asked all who did not want to go to •••• to stand up. Lincoln still remained seated. "I am surprised," said Cartwright, "to see Abe Lincoln sitting back there unmoved. If Mr. Lincoln does not want to go to heaven and doesn't want to go to ••••, perhaps he will tell us where he does want to go?" Lincoln slowly arose and replied, "I am going to Congress."

What happened to my politcal joke? Must have been PETA or a disgruntled person on this forum.

ALAS, what am I to do?

Check your email....

A certain private school in Michigan was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Each night the custodian would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators!

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in he** and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to he**. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in he** and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in he**."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to he**. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

BIRD JOKE:
2 Magpies were sitting on a lawnmower handle on a farmers lawn watching him process and grind baloney in his barn. All of a sudden the farmer went in the house. One Magpie says to the other--"I"m hungry lets go in the barn and get some of that baloney before the farmer returns". They both fly into the barn and gorge themselves on the baloney. After awhile one says" I'm stuffed let's get outa here" They both return to the lawnmower just in time as the farmer returns to the barn. "OH Oh" one says, he's back! The other says "I feel really sick I'm going over into the woods and hide and rest in the shade" Whereupon he flies off the lawnmower and collapses dead on the lawn.

Moral of this story?

Are you ready for this?


"Don't fly off the handle when you are full of baloney"!

Groan, but a good groan Russ.

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs.
A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself.

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a
log. " My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees
the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a
bush.

"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding
Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is
crouched down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"

A magician joins the crew of a cruise ship to perform shows for the guests. Because the guests are always different, he can do the same set of shows for each cruise. However, the Captain has a pet parrot who watches the shows. After several cruises the parrot has all the tricks figured out and starts giving away the secrets.

While the magician is making a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Awk! Look behind his back!" When he does card tricks, the parrot squawks "Awk! It's up his sleeve!" This really annoys the magician, but since it's the Captain's parrot he can't do much about it.

One night there is a terrible storm. The waves crash, the wind howls, and tragically the ship sinks. In the morning when things calm down the parrot and the magician find themselves floating on a wooden door, alone in the middle of the ocean. For several days the parrot just silenty stares at the magician as they drift. Finally, one morning the parrot speaks up and says "Awk! I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"

Deep in the backwoods, a country hick and his missus were expecting their first child. The missus went into labor around twilight and a messenger was sent on horseback to fetch the country doctor, who arrived around midnight. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father a lantern, saying "Hold this so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon the doctor bundled a baby boy into the blankets prepared for that purpose. As the man started setting down the lantern, the doctor exclaimed "Whoa, there! Don't be in such a hurry to set that down, I think there's another one coming!" Several minutes later a baby girl was delivered. The man starts to set the lantern down and again the doc says "Keep that up in the air where it does some good, we're not done yet!" Shortly thereafter a third baby had come into the world.

Still holding the lantern high, the father scratches his head with his free hand and says "You sure I should keep holding this thing? I reckon' it could be the light that's attracting 'em..."

Subject 10 finkers

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut ven he accidentally cut off all 10 of his finkers.
He vent to da emercency room at da Clinik and ven he got dar da Finn doctor looked at Ole and said

"Lets have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do".
Ole said "I haven't got da finkers"!

"Vhat do you mean you hafen'ts got da finkers?" he said "Lord it's 2008, I'ves got microsurgery,and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could haf dem put back on and make you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

Ole says--"How vas I suppose to pick dem up?"

Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree.
"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."
The leader goes back and tells his people what the old Jew said. "So why did he say not to go there?" a person asked.
Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Jews- they lie just for a joke."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Jew.
Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killled everyone but me."
The old man holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oy, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree...It vuz...It vuz..."It vuz a ham bush."

A rustic tourist lodge up in the mountains had a resident Indian Chief who hung around by the trading post. This Indian was notorious for his uncanny ability to predict the weather. Every day the guests or tourists would ask, he would reply sunny today warm, windy and wet today, Cold snow come down, No see good today fog. etc. etc. every day right on. 2 tourists heard of him and were discussing the native American wisdom. They approached him and asked "Chief, what is the weather for today?" The Indian says "not know" The tourists exclaimed "what do mean you don't know? You always know the weather" The Chief replys "not know, radio broke!"

(In the same vein as Russel)

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets and, when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also, being a practical leader, he decided to seek advice from experts.

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it still going to be a cold winter?" he asked.

"Yes," the man at the National Weather Service again replied, "we've updated our forecast and it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be very cold?" he asked for a third time.

"Absolutely," the weatherman replied. "In fact, our newest information says that it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever!"

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are gathering firewood like crazy."

I'm really liking these jokes!

A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain at a bar in Texas.
He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your smart ••• hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here in the South."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this Mister, I'm talking to the smart ••• little fella on your knee!"

It's winter in Michigan
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at 52 below!
Oh, how I love Michigan
When the snow's up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave Michigan
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground

Thanks Heikki, enjoyed your theme to Michigan.

Mikie,

Not mine. Got it via email. Dunno the source, but has a lotta truth to it, eh? lol.

Two guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said "Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Jewish rye bread?

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
Yes, He said, "I want 5 loaves ".
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf,it'll be hard"

He shrugged his shoulders and replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this but me.

Church bulletins:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

THREE BLONDES WERE ALL APPLYING FOR THE LAST AVAILABLE POSITION ON
THE TEXAS HIGHWAY PATROL. THE DETECTIVE CONDUCTING THE INTERVIEW LOOKED AT THE THREE OF THEM AND SAID, "SO Y'ALL WANT TO BE COPS, HUH?"

THE BLONDES ALL NODDED.

THE DETECTIVE GOT UP, OPENED A FILE DRAWER AND PULLED OUT A FOLDER.

SITTING BACK DOWN, HE OPENED IT AND PULLED OUT A PICTURE, AND SAID, "TO BE A DETECTIVE, YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO DETECT. YOU MUST BE ABLE TO NOTICE THINGS SUCH AS DISTINGUISHING FEATURES AND ODDITIES SUCH AS SCARS AND SO FORTH."

SO SAYING, HE STUCK THE PHOTO IN THE FACE OF THE FIRST BLONDE AND
WITHDREW IT AFTER ABOUT TWO SECONDS. "NOW," HE SAID, "DID YOU NOTICE ANY DISTINGUISHING FEATURES ABOUT THIS MAN ?"

THE BLONDE IMMEDIATELY SAID, "YES, I DID. HE HAS ONLY ONE EYE!"

THE DETECTIVE SHOOK HIS HEAD AND SAID, "OF COURSE HE HAS ONLY ONE EYE IN THIS PICTURE! IT'S A PROFILE OF HIS FACE! YOU'RE DISMISSED!"

THE FIRST BLONDE HUNG HER HEAD AND WALKED OUT OF THE OFFICE.

THE DETECTIVE THEN TURNED TO THE SECOND BLONDE, STUCK THE PHOTO IN HER FACE FOR TWO SECONDS, PULLED IT BACK AND SAID, "WHAT ABOUT YOU? NOTICE ANYTHING UNUSUAL OR OUTSTANDING ABOUT THIS MAN?"

"YES! HE ONLY HAS ONE EAR!"

THE DETECTIVE PUT HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS AND EXCLAIMED, "DIDN'T YOU
HEAR WHAT I JUST TOLD THE OTHER LADY? THIS IS A PROFILE OF THE MAN'S FACE! OF COURSE YOU CAN ONLY SEE ONE EAR!! YOU'RE EXCUSED TOO!"

THE SECOND BLONDE SHEEPISHLY WALKED OUT OF THE OFFICE.

THE DETECTIVE TURNED HIS ATTENTION TO THE THIRD AND LAST BLONDE AND SAID, "THIS IS PROBABLY A WASTE OF TIME, BUT . . HE FLASHED T HE PHOTO IN HER FACE FOR A COUPLE OF SECONDS AND WITHDREW IT, SAYING, "ALL RIGHT, DID YOU NOTICE ANYTHING DISTINGUISHING OR UNUSUAL ABOUT THIS MAN?"

THE BLONDE SAID, "I SURE DID. THIS MAN WEARS CONTACT LENSES."

THE DETECTIVE FROWNED, TOOK ANOTHER LOOK AT THE PICTURE AND BEGAN LOOKING AT SOME OF THE PAPERS IN THE FOLDER. HE LOOKED UP AT THE THIRD BLONDE WITH A PUZZLED EXPRESSION AND SAID, "YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! HIS BIO SAYS HE WEARS CONTACTS! HOW IN THE WORLD COULD YOU TELL THAT BY LOOKING AT HIS PICTURE?"

THE BLONDE ROLLED HER EYES AND SAID, "WELL, HELLOOOO! WITH ONLY ONE
EYE AND ONE EAR, HE CERTAINLY CAN'T WEAR GLASSES."

Well it's time to file the taxes, OUCH! Here's one you might take a likin' to;

The IRS Agent on Halloween
The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!" The man asks the kids what he is dressed up like for Halloween. The kid replies, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 40 percent of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say thank you.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his
co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally
conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden
change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and
says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he
replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then
his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you
been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

One day I met a sweet gentleman, named Don, and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, and wanting to be proper, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.
Since I lived in the suburbs, I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.
With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed two large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, Don seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: 'Honey, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my Don was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.....
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the noise and conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin , placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my Don returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and ten Italian dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'
I thought I would barf my beans!!!!!!!

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college.
Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a
very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very
much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words, redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his. One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.
He responded by asking how she was doing in school.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA , and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying. Her father listened then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
Her father asked her, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend Audrey, who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA." "The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea. How would that be fair?
I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work. Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!" The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

How Company Policy is Developed

Start with a cage with several gorillas in it. Make the ceiling high enough that the gorillas can't reach it without climbing a ladder. Hang a banana from the ceiling with a ladder under it. Wait until one of the gorillas starts to climb the ladder, then spray all of them with ice cold water. Repeat this until the gorillas actively prevent each other from climbing the ladder. Stop using the cold water.

Remove one gorilla from the cage and bring in a new one. The new gorilla will immediately head for the ladder, and the rest of the gorillas will prevent him from climbing the ladder. Once the new gorilla stops trying to climb the ladder, replace another of the old gorillas with a new gorilla. This new gorilla will go for the ladder, and the others will stop him. Repeat the replacement process until all the original gorillas have been replaced with new gorillas.

You will now have a cage full of gorillas with a banana hanging from the ceiling. None of these gorillas have been sprayed with cold water, yet none of them will make a move for the banana. And if anyone did make a move for the banana, the rest would stop him. Why?

"Because that's the way we've always done it here."

The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you?'
He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He said, 'Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up andwatched him all night.'
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. 'Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it!
They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. So, he sat up and watched me all night.

The phone rings at the Johnson home.

Police: Mr. Johnson, we have just arrested a thief carrying several credit cards with Mrs. Johnson's name on them.

Mr. Johnson: Tell the thief he can keep them.

Police: But don't you want your credit cards back?

Mr. Johnson: No. He's been spending only about half as much as Mrs. Johnson.

One windy night in a small town in da U.P., a fire started inside the local lumber company. It quickly spread into a massive inferno. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the company president rushed to the fire chiefs and said, "All of our important papers are in the main office. I will give $5,000 to the fire department that brings them out safely."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments arrived, as the situation became desperate. The president shouted that the offer was now $10,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's important files. From the distance, a lone siren was heard wailing as another fire truck came into view. It was a nearby rural township volunteer fire company, composed mainly of men over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little rundown fire engine passed all the newer engines parked outside and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the old-timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, they had extinguished the fire and saved the papers.

The grateful company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $50,000, and walked over to thank each of the elderly fire fighters. WLUC-TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film, asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Einar Maki, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da first thing ve do is fix da brakes on dat truck!"!

Sally was driving across the UP one day on a business trip when she saw an elderly UP Finn woman walking along the road. As the trip was long and quiet she decided to stop and ask the woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks the old woman got in the car. Resuming the journey Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Finn woman. The woman just sat silently looking at everything she saw studying every detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in da bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the bag and said "It's a box of chocolates I got for my husband". The UP Finn woman was silent for a moment or two.

Then with the quiet wisdom of an elder she said --
"Good Trade".

When I was in Baraga one time I was in a bar when this Native American came in with his wife. They were walking by my table and I saw this huge black bug on the floor, I looked at the gentleman and said squash it, he replied no is bug.

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed New York scientists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the NY Times newspaper read: New York archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that our ancestors already had an advanced hi-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the British.

One week later in the Ralph-Northland Gazette, a local newspaper in the U.P., reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in hay fields near Ralph, Uno Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.

Uno has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, the U.P. had already gone wireless."

Fish story #1

Tovio was stopped by the DNR recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a river well known for its good fishing. The game warden asked him "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw," said Toivo, "I ain't got no license. Don't need one, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim 'round a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back inta da ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of bull! Fish can't do that!"

Toivo looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

Toivo poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said Toivo.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

Fish story #2

Toivo was out fishing one day. He had rowed his boat out into the center of the lake, where he proceeded to light a stick of dynamite. He then threw it as far as he could away from the boat, waited for the "BOOM!", and the proceeded to pick up the floating fish from the surface of the lake.

A game warden witnessed this and ran his boat out to confront Toivo. Pulling right up along side Toivo's boat, the warden said "You can't fish that way! It's illegal to use dynamite like that!"

Toivo calmly lit a stick of dynamite, handed it to the warden, and said "You gonna stand there and argue, or you gonna fish?"

Great jokes!

Fish story #3

Eino and Toivo have been sitting out on a lake all day ice fishing. Toivo was having no luck at all and Eino has been pulling in brookie after brookie out of his hole. Toivo finally walks over and asks Eino what his secret is.

"Mu mupu meep ma mrrms mrrm" Eino replies.

"Eh, Eino, vwat was dat?"

"Mu mupu meep ma mrrms mrrm" Eino again replies.

"Eh, I til can't understand vwat you're taying."

Eino spits something into his hand and says very clearly, "I sed, you gotta keep da verms varm."

Eino & Toivo made their living working in the woods. After seeing commercials on tv they decided that the Air Force would be a perfect choice for a new career so they went to the recruiters's office to sign up. A few days later, Eino got a letter in the mail stating that he had been accepted as a pilot and was given instructions on where and when to report. Toivo heard nothing. Toivo was outraged and went back to the recruiter's office to find out why they took Eino and not him. The recruiter explained that they had openings for pilots and Eino said he was an experienced pilot, but they just didn't have any openings for a woodcutter which was the occupation Toivo had stated. "But, " in an exasperated voice, Toivo explained, "if I didn't cut the wood, Eino couldn't pile it (pilot).

When they finished their tour in the Air Force, Eino and Toivo decided to join the Army. As they discussed their relevant experiences with recruiter, Toivo indicated that he had operated a sewing machine in a garment factory, while Eino said he had worked as a diesel fitter. Eino was immediately accepted, while Toivo was rejected. Toivo question the recruiter, who said that Eino's experience as a mechanic was something that the army could certainly use, while they didn't really have all that much work for sewing machine operators. Toivo explained, 'Yah, but all Eino did was pick up the garments I sewed, held them up while he gave 'em a look-see, and said "Yah, dese'll fitter."'

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie - - poof - - you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
Sooooo, A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." - - - poof - - -. The mirror swallows her.

Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." - - - poof - - -. The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." - - - poof - - -

Three men were killed in a car accident and found themselves at the Pearly Gates. There they were met by St. Peter, sitting at a huge desk. He explained that due to overcrowding in Heaven, there is a new policy where one has to pass a test before entering. Those who fail go "you know where".

Peter turns to the first man and says "Define Easter". The first man thinks for a minute, clearly stalling for time, and then slowly answers "Well... it's that time of the year... when the whole family gets together... and we cook a turkey, and eat pie, and watch football..." There is a loud "BUZZ", followed by Peter pulling a lever next to the desk which makes a loud "KA-CHUNK" noise as a trap door opens beneath the man's feet, and he slides to his fate.

Peter turns to the second man and says "Same question. Define Easter." Sweating profusely, the man likewise stalls and says "Well... it's that time of the year... when the whole family gets together... and we buy each other presents and sing carols around the tree..." There is another loud "BUZZ", and Peter again pulls the lever with a loud "KA-CHUNK" and sends the man to his fate.

Turning the third man, Peter says "You know the drill. Define Easter." The man very calmly replies "It's that time of the year when the whole family gets together to celebrate the life of Jesus Christ, and to give thanks that he was sent to die on the cross to pay for our sins, and rise from the grave on the third day..." Peter interrupts, saying "Fantastic! That's a wonderful answer!" And the man continues "... and if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

"BUZZ! KA-CHUNK!"

A man enters a barber shop and asks how long before he can have his hair cut. The barber looks round and replies, "Two hours." The man leaves the shop. The next day the man again enters the shop and asks how long before he can have a hair cut. The barber again replies, "Two hours." The man walks out.
The next day, again at the same time the same man enters and asks how long for a hair cut. Again the answer is two hours. He walks out and the barber asks his friend to follow him and see where he goes. Twenty minutes pass and the friend finally returns in stitches laughing. "Well," asks the barber, where does he go?"
The man replies, "Your house."

Three men were sitting around bragging about how they were "manly men". Each said he was the man of the house, and as proof listed all the chores that they ordered their wife to perform.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama. He said that when they got married, he demanded she do all the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but by the third day he came home to a house that was clean, with no dirty dishes in the sink.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that after their marriage, he had given orders to his wife that not only was she to do the dishes and house cleaning, but she was to cook as well. The first day she rebelled. But on the second day she had begun to clean the house, and by the third day the house was completely clean, the dishes were done, and a marvelous feast was waiting for his dinner.

The third man had married a Yooper girl. He boasted of how he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, the dishes washed, hot meals on the table, the lawn mowed, and the laundry done. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything. But by the third day the swelling had gone down enough so that he could see a little out of the corner of his left eye. Just enough to fix himself a sandwich, load the dishwasher and washing machine, dust the house, and call a lawn service.

A husband and wife were driving down (insert your favorite UP back road here) on their way to visit friends. They came to a large mudhole in the road and the car got stuck. After a few minutes of trying to work themselves free, they saw a young farmer coming toward them driving a tractor. He came up to the car and offered to pull them out of the mud for $50. They readily agreed, the farmer ran a tow rope from the tractor to the frame of the car, and it was soon pulled free.

The farmer comments to the couple, "You know, you're the tenth car I've pulled out of that mudhole today."

The man looks at the farmer and asks "How do you have time to get the farming done? Do you do it at night?"

The farmer replies "Nope. At night I'm busy filling the mudhole with water."

Jake is five and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' elephant!"

Deep breath... "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

...and so it does...

" A f r i c a n Elephant "

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

You have some great jokes Dale! Here's one for ya;

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her, "Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.

The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"


The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"


The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"

A ventriloquist was performing in Las Vegas and was about to tell a blonde joke, when suddenly an attractive blonde lady stood up and started shouting at him, "I'm sick and tired of being joked about just because I was born a blonde! Don't you have any better material than that?" The ventriloquist became very ashamed of himself and quietly attempted to apologize when she interrupted, saying, "Shut up, mister! I'm talking to that knucklehead on your knee!"

While looking at a house, a prospective buyer asked the blonde real estate agent which direction was north because , he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When he explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for some time, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff!"

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but can not seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up the frail blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune .....
Bobby, the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Returning home from work one day, a blond is surprised to find that her home had been burglarized. She telephoned the police to report the crime, they promised to send an officer to investigate. Turns out that the nearest patrol was a K-9 unit, so they were sent. The blond was sitting on her porch and saw the officer approaching her house with the dog on a leash. She shuddered at the sight, and put her head down in her hands and began to cry. The officer approaches and asks what is the matter. She says "Someone breaks into my house, steals my posessions, I call the police, and they send me a BLIND policeman to investigate?!?!?"

Back in the golden years of mining in the Keweenaw, a drunken young miner lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Calumet Theater. When the usher came by, he whispered to him, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The miner groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the miner just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the miner, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police. The policeman surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "Okay buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the miner moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With terrible pain in his voice and without moving a muscle he replied, "The balcony."

You guys are killin' me, these jokes are great. My turn:

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

Glad you're enjoying these, Snowman! Just sending 'em in as I think of 'em or as I read them in various places. And I'm enjoying everyone else's jokes as well. Here's another.
*************

A clergyman is walking down a country lane on a hot summer day when he sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back into a cart after it had fallen off. The clergyman says "It's a hot day, my son. Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

The young man replies "I'd surely appreciate the help, but I wouldn't dare take a break. My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly!" said the minister. "Everyone is entitled to a break from their labors. Even the good book says so! Come, have a drink of water."

Once again the young man protests that his father would be very upset with him if he were to stop working. Losing his patience with the young man, the clergyman bursts out "Look! No one can be such a terrible slave driver that they would begrudge you a short break to take a drink on a hot day such as this. Tell me where I can find your father and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

The young man replied "He's under the hay."

Now that's a hay day Dale!

How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?

When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead".

In honor of St Paddy's day.
*********************
An Irishman stumbles into the bar quite early on St. Paddy's day. He sits next to the only other patron and orders a drink. As they begin to converse, the newcomer says to the patron "Ye know, I'm Irish." The first man says "Well gosh and begorrah, I'm Irish too!" As the conversation and drinking both continue, the men reveal that not only were they both born in Ireland, but they come from the same city, grew up in the same neighborhood, attended the same school, and even graduated the same year!

About this time two other men enter the bar, one a regular and one visiting for the holiday. As they overhear this conversation, the visitor is amazed at the coincidences apparent within these two men's lives. The regular laughs and says "That's no coincidence. It's just the O'Malley twins getting drunk again."

A Irishman, clearly under the weather, pays a visit to his psychiatrist. As the doctor enters the room, the patient is sitting trembling in a chair, making swatting motions with his hands as if knocking invisible things off his body. When he sees the doctor, the patient says "Doc, ya gotta help me! It's the Wee Folk! They're after me again!"

The doctor replies "Seamus, I've got three things to tell you. One, if you're going to get any better, you've got to stop drinking. Two, you need to keep taking the medications I've prescribed. And three," says the doctor as he begins making swatting gestures, "you've got to stop knocking the nasty little buggers onto me!"

Irish toast:

"May the wind at your back not be the result of corned beef and cabbage you ate for lunch."

Has to be read with an Irish brogue. Did you know that Irish bean soup only has 239 beans in it. If it had one more it would be two farty.

That's good, Mikie! LOL! I'll have to remember to tell that one to the store clerk when I next buy a cartoon of milk.

Paddy was in New York City for the first time. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "OKAY, PEDESTRIANS." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk, growing more impatient.

After the cop had shouted, "PEDESTRIANS!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Officer, might I ask ye a question? Is it not about time ye let the Catholics cross?"

70 year old George went for his annual physical.
he told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, But you know Doc., I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done.

A little later in the day, Dr Smith called George's wife and said, Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when he uses the bathroom at night.

Thelma exclaimed, That old fool, He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!

Gene in Wayland

Two elderly woman were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning, Ethel noticed something funny about Mable's ear and said' Mable did you know you've got a suppository in you left ear ?

Mable answered' I have ? a suppository ?
she pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

A butcher is just about to close up at the end of the day when a black lab enters his shop. The butcher tries to shoo the dog out, but he won't go. The butcher then notices that the dog is holding something in his mouth. He approaches the dog and sees that it several $20 bills. The dog goes to the meat display, puts his nose against the glass by a pork shoulder, and barks. The butcher picks up the pork shoulder and puts it in a bag. The dog them moves to another part of the display where he puts his nose on the glass next to some steaks and again barks. The butcher puts the steaks in the bag, and the process is repeated for several other cuts of meat. Finally the dog sits down and barks, which the butcher interprets as the order being complete. He takes the money from the dog, returns the change, and places the bag of meat on the floor. The lab picks up the bag in his mouth, nods at the butcher with a quick bark, and heads out the door. The butcher is interested by this, so he closes up shop and follows the dog.

The dog proceeds down the sidewalk for a distance and then reaches a corner. He sets down the bag, pushes the crosswalk button with his nose, and picks up the bag again. He waits patiently for the light to change and crosses the road, followed by the butcher. Next the dog comes to a bus stop. He sits down next to the bench and waits. When a bus pulls up, the dog walks to the front of the bus, checks the number, and goes back and sits down again. When the next bus comes the dog repeats the process and this time gets on the bus. He puts his head up by the driver, who takes one of the bills the dog had gotten in change from the butcher. The butcher follows the dog onto the bus.

The bus travels out into the suburbs. The lab looks out the window, watching as the bus makes various stops. As the bus approaches one particular stop the dog gets up and moves to the front of the bus. When the bus stops the dog exits and heads into the neighborhood. He walks several blocks and heads into a particular yard. He sets the bag of meat on the porch, walks back up the path a ways, gets a running start, and slams into the door. He repeats this several times until the door opens. The dog sits on the porch, bending his head in shame, while the person who opened the door begins to scold the dog.

The butcher rushes up and says "What's the idea of scolding the dog? I followed him home from my butcher shop, and I'm absolutely amazed! Crossing streets, riding the bus, he's great! That must be the smartest dog I've ever seen!"

The man replies "He's not all that bright. This is the third time this week that he's forgotten his keys."

A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first laid to rest there. The young minister was not familiar with the backwoods area and became lost. He finally arrived an hour late, saw the crew eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave where he saw the concrete vault lid already in place. Assuring the workers he would not hold them long, he requested their participation in the service. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. He poured out his heart and soul. As he preached, the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory," He preached and preached, like he'd never preached before. From Genesis all the way to Revelations. He closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to his car having felt he had done his duty for the homeless man and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication in spite of his tardiness. As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen nuthin' like this before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years!"

A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, "What a Pollack."
The Polish man said, "I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew."
"Probably, " replied the clerk.
"And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti and meatballs, would you also insult him?"
"Probably," the clerk again replied.
"Why you're nothing but a bigot. Why do you have to insult everybody not like you?"
At this, the clerk replied, "Because this is a HARDWARE store, moron."

A Polish gentleman went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
The Pole replied, "Read it? Heck, I know the guy!"

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room?
A full set of teeth.

A little girl asked her father," How did the human race appear?

The father answered, God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evoled.

The confused girl returned to her father and said, Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?

The father answered, Well dear, it is very simple, I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter "Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says ..
"Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day."

Now that was Funny! Good Job A.David!!

(in the same style as the previous joke)

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. He calmly eats the food when it arrives. When he's finished he draws a gun and fires several random shots around the place. He then calmly walks out the door. When the owner shouts "Hey! What's up with that?", the panda turns back and says "I'm a panda. Look it up." And then goes out the door.

The restaurant owner checks his encylopedia, looking up pandas. It says "A panda is a mammal, a member of the bear family, native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."

A middle aged man was filling out a job application. When he got to the question "Have you ever been arrested?" he answered "No".

The next question, intended for those who had answered "Yes" to the first question simply asked "Why?" The man answered it anyway, writing "Never got caught."

A wealthy man arrives at the pearly gates and speaks with St. Peter. He extolls all the good things he has done with his wealth. Then tell St. Pete that he knows it is not the norm but could he return to earth and get some of his wealth and bring it with him. After some lengthy discussion St. Peter gives him and allows the gent to return to earth. After some deep thought the gent packs several troy ounce bars of gold and returns to the pearly gates. St. Peter eagarly request to see what he brought back.
Upon examining the contents St. Peter exclaims
"WHAT YOU BROUGHT PAVEMENT!!"

That's how the fight started....

I rear ended a guy the other day, driving to work. I, embarrassed, sat in my car, while the guy Jumps out of his. And lo and behold he's a DWARF!!!! He STOMPS over to my car, SHOUTS at me while shaking his fist," I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
I calmly looked over at him and said, "Well then, which one are you?"

That's how the fight started.

So glad to see newcomers posting some pretty funny stuff! Thanks for the smiles!

(I've modified this to be as non-offensive as I can make it. Hopefully it gets past the censors.)

During these difficult times, people of faith should remember these four fundamental truths.

1) Most religions do not recognize other religions as being God's chosen people.

2) Most religions do not recognize the beings worshipped by other religions as deities.

3) Most religions do not recognize current leaders of other religions as having any authority over their beliefs.

4) Members of most religions do not recognize each other when they happen to meet at Hooters.

A State of Michigan Water Quality rep stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer and said, "I need to inspect your farm for manure run-off."

The old farmer replied, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The rep said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Michigan State Government behind me. See this card? This card means I am permitted to go in an official capacity WHEREVER I WISH, WHENEVER I WISH, on any public or private land, no questions asked. Have I made myself clear?"

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the rep running for the fence. Close behind was the farmer's bull. The bull was gaining with every step. The rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted-out......"YOUR CARD! YOUR CARD! SHOW HIM YOUR CARD!!!"

Did you hear about...

... the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He sat up all night wondering if there was a dog.

... the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

... the dyslexic pirate? He always sang "Oh-Oh-Yo'

John had just won first prize at a cat show and had received a
10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The catch was, though, pets
weren't allowed on the cruise. So John decided to leave his cat
with his best friend, Al.

Al agreed to come over to John's house and live with his mom for
the duration of the cruise. John told Al, "Just feed the cat three
meals a day, and take good care of him. He's my prize-winning
cat!" And with that, he left.

The next day, John phoned Al on his cell phone and asked, "How are
things?" To which Al responded, "Things are fine."

"How's Mom?"

"Mom's fine."

"How's the cat?"

"The cat's fine." Satisfied, John hung up.


Next day, John called Al again, asking the same questions.

"How are things?"

"Things are fine."

"How's Mom?"

"Mom's fine."

"How's the cat?"

"The cat's DEAD."

"WHAT?!?" John was quite distressed. "How could you let it die?
It was my prize cat!"

"Well, John, I'm sorry, but I couldn't do anything, I didn't see
it. But what I think happened was that the cat was on the roof,
fell off, and broke his leg. Then, he hobbled out into the road,
and got run over."

John was cooling down a bit now, and said, "Well, couldn't you
have tried to break it to me over time? You could have said it
bit by bit. For example, you could have first said 'The cat's on
the roof', then the next day said 'The cat fell off the roof, and
broke its leg', see what I'm saying."

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. See you later, John."

"Ok... bye." John hung up.

The next day, John phoned Al again.

"How are things?"

"Things are fine."

"How's Mom?"

"Umh," Al said, "Mom's on the roof."

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor:

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC) Socrates was widely lauded for his
wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance
who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I
just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to
pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my
student, let's take a moment to filter what you're about to say. The
first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or
not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what
you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad
about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there
is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell
me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really"

Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True
nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a
great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he
never found out that his wife, Xanthippe, was cheating on him with Plato.

We is friends
Me & you is friends
You smile, I smile
You hurt, I hurt
You Cry, I Cry
You jump off a bridge
I gonna miss your E-Mails!

Optimist vs Pessimist

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "Your dog can't swim!"

What do you call a short fortune teller that's missing?

A small medium at large!

A man was spending time in jail for a bank robbery. Come spring, his elderly father wrote him a letter saying

"Dear Son:
Hope you are well in jail. I am doing OK, but as I get older my arthritis keeps getting worse. My biggest concern is that I won't have the strength to spade the garden this year. You've always been such a help with that in the past.
Love,
Your Father"

The son writes back, saying:

"Dear Dad:
Things are as well as can be in jail. I understand about your arthritis, and wish I could be there to help spade the garden. If you find someone to help, whatever you do, don't let them dig too deep! I'll explain when I get out.
Love,
Your Son."

The day after the letter arrives the FBI shows up at the father's house with a search warrant and a crew of five agents. They completely dig up the garden from front to back. They spend the day there and eventually leave, scratching their heads. The very next day another letter arrives from the son.

"Dear Dad:
Since I couldn't be there personally to help with the garden, I did the best that I could. Your garden should now be ready for planting.
Love,
Your Son."

U.P. creation story....

In da beginning, dere was nuthin'. Den on da first day, God created da Upper Peninsula. On da second day, He created all da critters, and da forests and da mountains for dem to live in. On da third day He said, “Let dere be Yoopers to roam da Upper Peninsula.” One da fourth day He created da other world down below. On da fifth day he said “Let dere be Trolls to live in da world down below.” On da sixth day, He created Da Bridge so da Trolls could have a way to get to heaven. God saw that it was good, and on da seventh day He went hiking in da Porkies.

And dat's da way it was....

Yooper’s Prayer

Lord, thank you for this beautiful peninsula and the deserving people you have chosen to live here.

Thank you for pasties, 4x4’s, deer season, cable tv, snowblowers, and Lake Superior.

Lord, help me accept Your Grace in January when my pipes are frozen, the car battery is dead, it snowed 20 inches last night, and the plow just went by.

And please help me understand your love of Yoopers this July when everyone smells like bug dope, the sun hasn’t been seen in weeks, and the furnace kicked on every night.

Lord, because we are your chosen people, you only give us what we deserve.

Amen, eh.

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. While she was waiting for St. Peter to greet her, she peeked through the fence. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling to her. When St. Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," St. Peter replied. "Which word?" she asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "love" and was welcomed into heaven. About six months later, St. Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the gates for him that day. While she was minding the gates, her husband arrived. "I'm so surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a mansion. My new wife and I traveled around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," the woman instructed. "Which word?" he asked. "Czechoslovakia!"

An non-Michigander dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter is showing him around. Everything is glorious. There is a music hall with every kind of music, all played with angelic perfection. The dining hall offers food beyond compare. And the residences, St. Peter assures him, are comfortable beyond all imagination.
On their way to the residence halls, they turn down a hall where everyone is chained to the wall. St. Peter offers no comment as they continue down the long passageway.
After a few minutes the man asks St. Peter. "If this is Heaven and everything is so wonderful why are these people chained to the wall?"
St Peter answers, "Oh. Those are the downstate Michiganders. If we don't keep them chained up they try to go to their cabins in the UP on the weekends."

A couple of guys were visiting UP for a much anticipated fishing trip and were looking for a boat. They couldn't believe it when they happened on a sign that read, "Boat for sale."

They drove to this house and approached the man standing in the yard.

One of the tourists said, "We saw your sign about the boat for sale. Can you tell us about it and show it to us?"

The man pointed to a tractor across the way and said,"Do you see that tractor setting over der?" And the tourist replied that he did.

Then the man said, "Do you see that plow just right behind it?" The tourist replied that he did.

The man said, "Well, der're boat for sale."

You guys have got me in a good mood! Hope I can add to the fun;

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

Lena awoke one morning to discover that Ole had passed away during the night. She called 911, and the operator said they'd send someone out right way to pick up the body. "What is your address?" asked the operator.
Lena replied "181 Eucalyptus Drive"
The operator asked "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Lena responded "How 'bout if I drag 'im over to Oak street and dey pick 'im up dere?"

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise
was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying
12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz,
Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the great ship
after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise
ever delivered to Mexico . But, as we know, the great ship did not
make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank. The cargo
was forever lost.

The people of Mexico relished mayonnaise, were eagerly awaiting
its delivery and disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great
they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe
to this day.

The national day of mourning occurs each year on May 5th and
is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo.

Hallmann's & Titanic: Only problem with this story is; The company was started by Richard Hellmann in 1905 in New York city and didn't arrive in the UK till 1961.

Now, now! We can't let a little thing like facts get in the way of a good joke!

Hey Gusso, this is the joke section. Didn't you at least get a chuckle out of Heikki's joke?

Get it? Sinko De Mayo?

Hellmann's: Yes I get the idea, but I feel that even jokes should have some basis of historical truth.

Maybe you need to go to the "Political Thread" Gusso.

Now back to our regular scheduled programming;

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.

The first blonde said, "These look like deer tracks." The other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks!"

They argued for quite a while. In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them.

One day two Yoopers were comparing the capabilities of their prize hens.

1st Yooper: "My hen can hatch out anything from a tennis-ball to a lemon. Why, one day she sat on a piece of ice and hatched out two quarts of hot water!"

2nd Yooper: "That doesn't come anywhere close to my club-footed hen. I mistakenly had been feeding her sawdust instead of her regular chicken feed and she laid twelve eggs. When they hatched, eleven of the chicks had wooden legs, and the twelfth was a woodpecker."

Ole and Sven were out fishing when Ole reeled in his line. There was obviously something on it, but it didn't feel like a fish. When the hook broke the surface, he saw that he had snagged an old lamp. Ole gave it a rub, and out popped a genie. The genie thanked Ole for freeing him from the lamp and offered one wish as payment. Ole wished that all the water in the lake were turned into his favorite beer. The genie clapped his hands, the water turned to beer, and the genie and the lamp disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Sven gave a grunt of disgust and said "Ole, dat's about the stupidest ting I ever seen you do."

Ole asked "And vy vas dat stupid?"

Sven replied "Now ve gonna hafta pee in da boat!"

Ole had moved to a new neighborhood and was the only Lutheran living in it. Every night of the week his neighbors
could smell the aroma of grilled steaks on the BBQ during Lent season. It was driving them crazy. They went as a
group and spoke to their priest about converting Ole to Catholicism. That would put an end to their torture of
the aromatic smells of Ole's BBQ.
Father Patrick pays a visit to Ole's home the next day and after several hours, has convinced Ole to convert
from being a Lutheran to a Catholic. Ole was baptized shortly after, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Ole's head,
said " You were born a Lutheran, raised a Lutheran and NOW , you are a Catholic ! "
The following Friday night, Ole's neighbors, smelled the tantalizing aroma of grilled steak and onions in the air.
Horrified, they ran to Father Patrick demanding that he should go and berate Ole. Father Patrick quickly
gets to Ole's house and head toward the back yard.
To his utter amazement, he heard Ole say this over the grill, while sprinkling some water. " You were born a
cow and raised a cow, and NOW you are a fish ! "

Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when she looks over at him and asks,"What would you do if I died? Would you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: In a hurt tone, "You would?"
HUSBAND: (groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND : "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: (silence)
HUSBAND: "DARN!"

Many years ago, two inebriated Yoopers wandered into a public dance hall on the second floor of a building in Marquette. One asked for the location of the cloak room and was told to take the first door to the right and go down three steps. Due to his inebriated condition, he opened the elevator door by mistake and fell two stories to the basement.

His friend watched his sudden departure and leaning through the door called out, "What are you doing down there?"

After a short pause, the answer came floating up the elevator shaft, "Hanging up my coat. Look out for that first step, it's an awful one."

A boy was walking throuth the woods toward his favorite secluded fishing spot at a local pond. As he approached his special place he heard sounds of splashing coming from the pond. As he got close enough to see he spotted a woman emerging from the pond who quite obviously had been skinny-dipping. When she spotted the boy she quickly scanned the area for anything to cover up with. Spotting an old metal washtub, she grabbed it and held it against her front to cover herself. As she began to gather her clothing she noticed the young boy staring straight at her with eyes wide open. Giving him an icy glare, she stated in a firm voice "Young man! Do you know what I'm thinking?"

The boy replied. "Yes, ma'am, I do. You're thinking that tub you're holding has a bottom in it."

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by
circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Encounter weekend, Ray and
his wife Charlotte listened to the instructor declare, 'It is
essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important
to each
other.' He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's
favorite flower?'

Ray leaned over, touched Charlotte's arm gently and whispered, 'It's
Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Ray's life of celibacy.

It's Saturday night and Ole and Lena are all dressed up for da big barn dance in town. On da way dere, dey stop to pick up Sven. Dey all arrive safely and Ole and Sven head off to da beer garden to quench dere thirst. Once dey get to da bar dey meet up wit Lars and Ole proceeds to get happy. After a few hours, Ole notices dat Sven is no longer part of the group. Ole figures he and Lars should go find him and make sure he's OK. As dey stagger around the back of da barn dey hear a noise coming from the haystack. Dey creep over to investigate only to find Sven and Lena together in da hay. Ole gets up and starts walking away laughing. Lars runs after him and with a bewildered look on his face asks, "Ole, why are you laughing?" Ole says, "Oh dat Sven, He so drunk, he tinks he's me!"

Sven and Ole were out job hunting. They went to a trucking company to apply for jobs as drivers. The boss interviewed each of them separately, starting with Sven. The boss says to Sven, "Pretend that you're driving a loaded semi in the mountains, and Ole is taking a nap in the sleeper. You're going down a steep grade, and all of a sudden your brakes fail. At the bottom of the grade is a railroad crossing, and you can hear the horn of a train on the tracks. What do you do?"

Sven replied "Well, I'd put the truck in a lower gear and use the engine to slow us down."

The boss says "The transmission gears just stripped, and you're going faster. Now what?"

Sven replied "I'd ease over to the guard rail and try to use friction to slow the truck down."

The boss says "This section of road doesn't have a guard rail, just a steep dropoff. What now?"

Sven replies, "Well, then it's time to wake up Ole."

The boss looks thunderstruck and says "How will that stop the truck?"

Sven says "It won't. But Ole would never forgive me if I let him sleep through his first truck/train accident!"

Ole went to the family doctor because he wasn't feeling well. After a few test the doc said "Ole, old friend, I'm sorry to have to inform you that you have a rare incurable disease. You will be dead within six months. But I am going to recommend that you move in with your mother-in-law."

Ole replied "Why would I want to move in with that old battleaxe?"

The doc replied "It will seem like the longest six months of your life."

Why Men Lie

One day while a woodcutter was working on a tree overhanging a river, he accidentally dropped his axe into the water. Climbing down from the tree, he fell to his knees and cried "Oh Lord! I need that axe to make my living. Please answer my prayer and return it to me."

The woodcutter was quite surprised when the Lord appeared before him holding a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" asked the Lord. The woodcutter replied that it was not. The Lord disappeared and re-appeared with a silver axe, again asking if it was the correct one. It was not. He again disappeared and returned with a common wooden-handled iron axe, asking if it was the correct one. The woodcutter replied that it was. The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty, and gave him all three axes as a reward.

Some time later the woodcutter and his wife were taking an evening stroll along the same river when she fell in. The woodcutter again dropped to his knees and prayed 'Oh Lord! She is the love of my life, and I cannot go on without her. Please return my wife to me!"

Again the Lord appeared to the woodcutter, with Jennifer Lopez at his side. The Lord asked "Is this your wife?" The woodcutter quickly replied that yes, this was his wife. The Lord became furious. "You lied to me! This is a famous movie star, clearly not your wife!"

The woodcutter replied "Lord, forgive me. But this is more of a misunderstanding than a lie. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, you would have returned with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have returned with my wife. When I said 'yes' to her, you would have rewarded me with all three for my honesty. Lord, I am but a poor woodcutter, and cannot support three wives. They would soon become unhappy, and everyone would be angry. That is why I answered the way I did."

The moral, as clearly demonstrated by this story, is that whenever a man lies it is for a good and honorable reason that benefits others more than himself.

Ole is out of work and applies for a job at a factory that is known for not hiring those of Norwegian ancestry. When he interviews he is told that he must first pass a problem solving quiz consisting of three questions. If he gets any wrong, he's disqualified for the job. The boss presents the first problem, which he is sure Ole won't be able to answer.

"Without using digits, represent the number 9." Ole thinks for a minute, grabs his paper and pencil, and draws three trees. He then hands the paper to the boss, saying "Dat's nine." The boss asks for an explanation. Ole says "Whassa matter? You got no brains? Tree and tree and tree make nine."

The boss reluctantly accepts that answer, then presents the next problem. "Same rules, but this time represent 99." Ole thinks again, then asks the boss to return his drawing. He makes a smudge on each tree and hands it back to the boss saying "Dat's 99". The boss again asks for an explanation. Ole sighs, and says "It's as plain as da nose on yer face. Dirty-tree and dirty-tree and dirty-tree make 99".

The boss reluctantly accepts this answer and poses the final problem, sure that Ole won't be able to handle this one. "Same rules, but this time represent 100". Ole thinks, grabs the paper, and makes a little mark at the bottom of each tree. He hands it back to the boss, saying "OK, dat's 100. And dis time I'll explain before ya ask. A little dog come along and crapped at the base of each tree. So dirty-tree and a turd, and dirty-tree and a turd, and dirty-tree and a turd make 100. Ven do I start?"

Has the UP humor gone on vacation? I'm in need of a laugh.

Every joke I post seems to be not appropriate. Let's try this one and see if it gets deleted:

Sorry Snowman, inappropriate again.
This is a good time to remind all the jokesters to please keep the jokes you post here, tasteful and family friendly. Some of the jokes have tended to be a bit more "racy", so they were removed.
Our "rule of thumb" here on the Pasty.com Joke Page, is that if it would be hard to explain to a grade schooler, then it's not appropriate for these pages. Thanks for adhering to our rules. 8-)

I'd been holding off to give others a chance, but here I go again...

Ven Two Yoopers Meet Oop Nort On Da Lake Fichen!
"Haydair."
"Lobuddy"
"Benearlong?"
"Coplhours."
"Crieps, cetchenenny?"
"Yepgoddafew"
"Vairdaybitn?"
"Oberdair"
"Kindarday?"
"Valleyeennordern."
"Ennysiztooum?"
"Cuplapowns."
"Oofda, bitenard?"
"yanohowdeyar."
"Vahchayoozin? Dalindyrik?"
"Ohyeahdonchano."
"Fichenondaboddum?"
"Rydoopneardaboddum."
"Howdeeperya?"
"Bouttvenyfeet."
"Oh, Vachadrinkin?"
"Hadacouplabeers."
"Velligoddago."
"Tubad."
"Seeyaround."
"Yeahtakideeze."
"Guluk."
"Yoobetcha."
Da Ent!!!

IF YOU WERE ABLE TO READ THIS YOU ARE A TRUE YOOPER!
(How did you do??!!)

Piano jokes

- What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A Flat Minor

- What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base? A Flat Major

- Why is a 11-foot concert grand better than a student upright piano? The grand makes a much more satisfying "boom" when droppped off a cliff.

- Why was the piano invented? So the singer would have a place to set their beer.

An Amish farmer notices a man drinking from his pond using one hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht! Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen!"
Translated: "Don't drink the water. The cows have defecated in it!"

The man shouts back: "I'm from Illinois and over here campaigning for Sen. Obama.
I don't understand you. Please speak in English."

The Amish man shouts, "Use both hands. You'll get more!"

Last summer, on Lake Superior, near the Keweenaw, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't plane at high speed at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Snowman, that was a really good one!!!!

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. 'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.
'I just want enough money to go out and buy a bicycle,' said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, 'Will you take my bike in trade for it?'
The little boy asked if he could try it out first. After riding the bike around a while, he said, 'Mister, you have yourself a deal.'
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'
The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started .'
The preacher said, 'I'm a minister, and I don't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss.'
The little boy looked at him, smiled and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to you.'

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning, Alex.'

'Good morning, Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?'

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:00 or the 10:30??'

Since we seem to be on preacher jokes...

A preacher gave a fire & brimstone sermon on the evils of drink and the benefits of sobriety. He concluded his sermon with the exhortation "Throw all your whiskey in the river!!! Throw all your beer in the river!!! Throw all your demon rum in the river!!! Amen!"

After a brief pause, the paster then announced "And now we will continue the service with hymn 311, 'Shall We Gather at the River'".

An evangelical congregation was holding a special outdoor service along the banks of the river. During the service a drunk wandering down the riverside stumbled into the midst of the sermon. Seeing an opportunity to save a lost soul, the preacher took it upon himself to baptize the poor man on the spot.

Dragging the drunk into the river, the preacher held the man's head under water for thirty seconds, praying in a loud voice for the man's salvation. After a chorus of "AMEN!"'s from the congregation, the preacher pulled the sputtering drunk out of the water and asked him "Did you find JESUS???" The drink finally manages to mumble "No..."

The preacher again dunks the man under water, holding him down for a full minute this time, still praying up a storm. Pulling the man up, he again asks "Did you find JESUS???" Again, the drunk says no.

The preacher again dunks the man, holding him for two minutes this time, putting everything he's got into his prayer, calling on the angels and all the powers of heaven to save this lost soul. When he finally pulls the drunk out of the water and demands "Did you find JESUS???", the drunk says "No, but before you put me down there again, let me tell you. I got a good look around, and I'm pretty sure he's not in this river."

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the forest fires on the west coast. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the firefighters as they battled the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He called the main office and requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

That was a really good one, Dale!

Mrs. Snowman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an
embarrassing problem: "I pass gas all the time, Doctor Gasup, but
they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here,
I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Snowman, Take these pills three times a
day for seven days and come back and see me
in a week." The next week, an upset Mrs. Snowman marched into Dr. Gasup's
office:"Doctor,I don't know what was in
those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and
they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you
have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Snowman", said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've
fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

I love Dr. Gasup, signed Snowman

Check this out- Funny, but sad because it's true.
http://www.imvotingrepublican.com/

kj ,, whats funny or true about that Michael Moore junk on U Tube

Waxing philosophical...

If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

And the corrolary...

If a man is alone in the forest and says something, and his wife is not around to correct him, is he still wrong?

A sweet little girl had recently received a new watch and some perfume, which she was very excited about. Their family asked the pastor over for dinner. The girl wanted so badly to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her mother insisted she wait until after dinner and not interrupt at meal time.

Not able to contain her excitement and not wanting to disobey, the little girl leaned over to the pastor during dinner and whispered, "If you hear a little noise and smell something, it's me!"

A pastor was leaving the area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the church door for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said, "Your successor won't be as good as you."

"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.

"No, really", said the lady, "I've been a member of this church under five different ministers and each new one has been worse than the last."

A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it.... Cop: "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?" Blonde: "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65." Cop: "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!" Blonde: "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on." At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts. Cop: "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful." Blonde: "Oh... We just got off of highway 119.

Snowman: I'd heard the same joke told as a bunch of old ladies in a car instead of a blond. Still funny, though!

Eino and Toivo were going out bear hunting. They had their warm clothes, their rifles, the hunting dogs in the back of the truck, they were all set to go. As they followed the directions they were given to find the hunting area, they approached a fork in the road. A homemade sign there said "Hunters, Bear Left". So they turned around and went home.

A minister of a small Finnish Lutheran Church in the U.P. of Michigan had chosen marriage as the subject of his Sunday sermon. "Woe to the man," he preached, "who raises his hand against his wife, for his hand shall turn to stone."

"Ahh!" Mikko is heard to whisper to his pal Heikki who was seated beside him. "That sure will hurt and it sure will leave bruises on her!"

A man who only rarely attended church was at the service one Sunday. As the parishoners were leaving after the service, the preacher was standing at the door to shake hands. He grabbed the man by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I only see you in church on the holidays?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."

The restaurant where a man took his two sons for dinner was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television.

The harried waitress took their order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.

He was trying to keep his sons from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.

"Hey," commented the 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."

Sitting behind a group of nuns at a baseball game, annoyed by their habits partially blocking the view, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a loud voice the first guy says, "I think I'll go to Utah, there are only 75-100 nuns living there." Second guy spoke up, "Think I'll try Montana. There are only 50-75 nuns living there." Third guy says, "I think I'll go to Idaho. Only 25-30 nuns there." After a moment of silence, one nun turned around and sweetly said, "Why don't all of you go to •••• (hades). There aren't any nuns there."

Six Yoopers were at deer camp for their annual hunt and beer-drinking get-together.
"Toivo," said Mikko as he caught up with Toivo on the way back to camp after a day in the woods, "are all of the rest of the guys out of the woods yet?"

"Yes," replied Toivo.

"All four of them?"

"And they're all safe?"

"Ya," answered Toivo, "they're all safe."

"Then," said Mikko proudly, "I've shot a deer!"

An old prospector walked his tired old mule into a western town. He'd been in the desert for six weeks without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing trail dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a revolver in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. He looked at the old man, laughed, and shouted, "Old timer! Have you ever danced?" The old man replied, "No, I never did....just never wanted to." A crowd had gathered by now, and the gunslinger said, "Well, you're gonna dance now!", and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector hopped like a rabbit and everybody laughed.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his 12 gauge double-barrel shotgun, pulled both hammers back making a distinct 'click...click'.. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything became quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned, looking down the barrels of the shotgun. The old man asked, "Ever kiss a mule on the 'bee-hind'?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and replied: "No, but I always wanted to."

Two lessons from this story:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.

One morning a Yooper game warden was sitting in his office and the telepone rang. A sweet voice asked if he was the game warden and he assured her that he was.

She replied, "Oh, I'm so glad to talk to the right person at last. Would you mind suggesting some nice games for a children's birthday party?"

(Names have been omitted to protect the innocent.)

Correction to above, telepone should be telephone.

Two cowboys are out on the prarie when they find an Indian lying completely still on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian? He's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up and says "Covered wagon, about two miles away. Two mares pulling, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, many goods packed in wagon. Spare black gelding tied behind wagon." He then puts his ear back to the ground.

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "It's amazing that he can tell all that from listening to vibrations in the ground."

The Indian looks up again and says, "No. Run over me about an half hour ago."

A doctor in Calumet wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his intern. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of things and take care of all the patients, as long as it isn't anything serious.' 'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks, 'So, Ole, how was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had an upset stomach and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this! And what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a beautiful woman enters. She smiled at me seductively, blinked her eyes, and said 'HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!''

'Oofda, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

Ole replied 'I put drops in her eyes.'

A small boy from the city visited relatives in the country and after his return home was heard describing to a boy friend the pigs he had seen. "They were penned up together and the big pig was afraid of the little pigs," he said.
"They chased the big pig around and around the pen and when it became tired and fell down all the little pigs jumped on it and ate all the little buttons off its vest."

Has anyone yet mentioned the dangers of Dihydrogenmonoxide? It's a common substance in all our lives that can be quite deadly. Occasionally, there's political action, rallying, and maybe even campaning for laws against DHMO, which once in NZ, if I remember correctly, almost came to be before the whole thing was thwarted by addicts who claimed that without DHMO, our planet would be quite lifeless.
It's also a nice substance to do tests on the awareness of people you might expect to be bright, intelligent, educated, aware of implications and so forth. Like politicans. But I have to admit it's mean to use it for that end. If I didn't know better, I might fall for it, too, and if one were to use a variety, well, I'd rather not claim immunity.

Sidenote: DHMO is also commonly written as H20.

Danbury (Danbury):
"Dihydrogenmonoxide (DHMO)"

A dangerous, caustic substance, also known as Hydrohydroxic acid!

Not to mention that if left exposed to air for any length of time it will yield a dilute solution of carbonic acid, with a limiting pH of about 5.7!

This is no joke.

David Hiltunen (Davidcorrytontn);
"This is no joke."

Huh? What is no joke, David?

Hydrohydroxic acid! Is this the joke page.

David Hiltunen (Davidcorrytontn):
"Hydrohydroxic acid! Is this the joke page."

Maybe it's only a joke if you know what Hydrohydroxic acid is?

I know what H2O is,and H2S04. Maybe it just went over my head eh on this Joke Page? What is the punch line?

Probably not. Anyway it's sort of mean, I admit.

The joke is, at least to me, somewhere in the detail that there really were attempts to control the use of "this dangerous substance" via legislation, because nowhere between the initial move and parliament anyone noticed what they were talking about. Or so the story goes.

Q: How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck hotel?
A: When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

John Edwards has been banned from making a speech at the Democrat convention for having an extramarital affair and lying about it. Bill Clinton will be speaking in his place.

Is that true? That is toooo funny and soooo hypocritical!!! I still like John as a politician, but I hate what he did to his wife.

Just a joke, Deb, as far as I know. But it's a dandy! LOL (I don't like Hillary as a politician, and I wished she would have done something "Bobbitt-style" to her husband, but I still like her as a high-spirited woman.) ;-)

Just for the record:

Re: Hydrohydroxic acid
The joke, as Danbury (Danbury) noted, is that

---

Quote:

…there really were attempts to control the use of "this dangerous substance" via legislation, because nowhere between the initial move and parliament anyone noticed what they were talking about.

---

Click HERE for an unpaid political announcement.

Heikki (Heikki):

Finally a candidate we can support!

So now we have your full name, eh?
(I never realized we had Heikki Luntta here with us!)

Do ya have any campaign promises for us?
Lotsa snow fer da sledders?

Oh, yah....lotsa snow, lotsa snow! The new campaign chant is, "Yes, we can, eh? Yes, we can, eh? Yes, we can, eh"? (Got go Green Bay today.....chat later.)

In a small town in the U.P. of Michigan, there was a lad by the name of Heikki who had a reputation of not being too bright (intelligent-in case some Yoopers don't know this meaning of "bright".) People there had fun with Heikki several times a day by placing a dime and a nickel on the open palm of his hand, and telling him to take his pick of the two coins. In each case Heikki would pick the nickel, and the people watching him would laugh and guffaw.

Hilma, a kind hearted woman, asked him one day, "Don't you know the difference between a dime and a nickel? Don't you know that the dime, although smaller, is worth more?"

"Sure, I know that," Heikki answered, "but they wouldn't try me out on it any more if I ever took the dime."

(insert politician here) was out west campaigning at a Native American site. A large crowd was gathered to hear the speech. Whenever the politician would make a point related to his campaign platform, the Natives would stand up and shout "Uhm gwalla gwalla!" Enheartened by their enthusuastic support, the politician continued to speak, with ever increasing shouts of "Uhm gwalla gwalla!" Finally the speech was over, and the politician was being led on a tour of the grounds. As they crossed a cow pasture, the Native guide warned the politician "Take care where you step. Much uhm gwalla gwalla here."

"It's easy to distinguish a liberal in politics. He's the fellow who wants to spend the conservatives money." (Anon.)

The Chief noticed a new Seaman one day and barked at him to " get over here!" "What's your name?" was the first thing the Chief asked the new guy. "John", the new guy replied. The Chief scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal, mamby-pamby stuff they're teaching sailors in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last name only. Smith, Jones, Baker......that's all. I am to be referred to only as Chief. Do I make myself clear?" "Aye, aye, Chief!" "Good! Now that we have that out of the way, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling, Chief." "Okay......John, here's what I want you to do..."

Many years ago in the wilderness of the U.P. of Michigan, a stranger occupied a cabin and kept to himself. He often became the subject of discussion by local deer hunters when they gathered at a local bar.

"I'll tell you what I think," said one of the men, "I thnk he's a poacher and we ought to tell the game warden."

A second man said, "I believe he might have killed someone back where he comes from and he's hiding out."

A third man opined, "I think he might be a terrorist planning something big."

The fourth man had another idea: "I've been watching him and checking up on him and I think he is a Republican."

"Oh no," the rest all cried at once, "he can't be that bad!"

"I ain't so sure about that," declared the fourth man with much confidence, "that darn scoundrel can read."

A woman in her late eighties was preparing to marry her fourth husband. In the small town where she lived this was big news, so she was being interviewed by a local reporter. He asked what the profession of her new husband was, and she said he was a funeral director. He then asked what her previous husbands had done for a living. She thought for a few moments (memory's not all that great at that age), and replied that the first had been a banker, the second a circus performer, and the third a preacher. When the reporter commented that this was quite the spectrum of differing professions, the old woman commented "Well, you know what they say. One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Deceased United States president John F. Kennedy arrived at the Pearly Gates and demanded admittance.

"Well, what good did you do in the world?" asked St. Peter.

Kennedy replied, "I united the American people, practically abolished unemployment, reduced the federal debt, and made everybody happy."

St. Peter, being a skeptic, sent an angel to investigate. The angel soon returned and reported that he had gone into the highways and byways and talked to all sorts of people, but that, sad to say, he was unable to corroborate Kennedy's claims but learned much to the contrary.

Whereupon Kennedy grumbled, "What did you go snooping around for? Why didn't you read the newspapers and watch and listen to the TV and radio talk-shows and news programs?"

I wonder how Clinton and Bush will do when they confront St. Peter.

Winston Churchill was a British Citizen, but he was a child of an Southern American Mother. On his first trip to the South he was looking forward to the dinner given in his honor where Southern dishes he had only heard about would be served. After tasting many of the dishes he asked the Hostess for " another Chicken Breast". this caused a decided murmur among the predominately female guests. Inquiring what he had done wrong, the Hostess replied in a southern drawl "Mr. Churchill, a southern person never asks for a Breast, we say 'White meat'.
Being a very humorous person he sent a corsage the next day to the Hostess thanking her for the wonderful dinner and apologizing for his fuax pas'
Please accept this corsage in thanks and apology for my blunder at dinner last evening. It would please me immensely if you would pin this corsage to your white meat.

The little city girl stood and watched the farmer milk the only cow he had. The next morning the farmer was much excited, as the cow had been stolen during the night.

"Drat the thief that stole that cow," said the farmer. "He's miles away from here by now."

"I wouldn't worry about it mister," spoke up the little girl. "He can't get far away with it, you drained her crankcase last night."

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. '

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you s ee it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

FRNash--That is a great variation on an almost identical story I
heard from a tape of stories from New Mexico. It was a hit with my
own children and continues to be a hit with the children in my
class. Thanks.

Shopping in a local grocery store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have a beer, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had an obviously surprised look, so the nun said, 'This is for washing our hair.'

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

'The curlers are on me.'

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help, He called her into his office and said,you graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help.
If I gave you $20,000 minus 14% how much would you take off? The secretary thought a moment and then replied,"everything but my earings."

Andy's wife, refusing to look her somewhat advanced age, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy session before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...

"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet!"

(works better when told aloud & in person, but here goes)

A fellow with a bad stutter came to the counter in a bookstore to ask a question. "H-H-Hello," he said. "I'm l-l-looking for a b-b-book." The clerk replied "Wh-wh-why certainly! Wh-wh-what b-b-book are you l-l-looking for?" "H-H-Hey!" said the customer "A-A-Are you m-m-making fun of m-m-me?" "Certainly n-n-not!" said the clerk, "I h-h-happen to be a s-s-stutterer m-m-myself." Mollified, the customer continued to ask about the book he wanted. As you can imagine, this took a bit of time.

While they were discussing things, another customer came up. After listening to the two for a few moments, he interrupts the conversation, speaking in a high-class, polished accent, saying "Excuse me! I'm in a bit of a hurry. Since your discussion will CLEARLY take a great deal of time, would you mind helping me first?"

The clerk replied with the same polished accent "Of course sir! What can I do for you?" The new customer said "I'm looking for a set of encyclopedias. Where are they?" The clerk replied "In the back of the store, reference section." With that, the second customer walked off toward the rear of the store.

The stuttering customer looks at the clerk with suspicion in his face. "I kn-kn-knew y-y-you were m-m-making fun of m-m-me!"

The clerk replies "I w-w-was n-n-not! I w-w-was m-m-making fun of h-h-him!"

Two little girls, on their way home from Sunday school, were solemnly dicussing the lesson.

"Do you believe there is a devil?" asked one.

"No," said the other promptly. "It's like Santa Claus; it's your father."

One of the problems dealt with during the training of protestant ministers is how to handle those uncomfortable situations in which, while the minister would be forbidden to lie, the truth would be hurtful if not down right cruel.

As a particular case, when faced with a particularly ugly baby -- and, sadly, they do exist -- the prospective minister is taught to throw up his hands while emitting a delighted "Why! It's a baby!"

So our scene shifts to a large Baptist convention. The Bishop, making the rounds, comes upon a young newly ordained minister who is also a recent, proud papa. Looking down, the Bishop says, "Why, it's a baby!" whereupon the young minister decks him.

A State Trooper pulled a car over on the highway about two miles from the state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to the city to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus, and he was running late. The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked the juggler if he could juggle them. The juggler stated he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no way I'm gonna be able to pass that test."

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing gospel music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw his hands up, grabbed the bird and shoved him in the freezer. For a few minutes the bird squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total silence. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he had hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe that I may have offended you with my profane language and rude behavior. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate actions. I fully intend to do anything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his attitude, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

That was just too funny, Dale! Just in time for turkey day!

One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her nervous husband Ole of his habit of biting his nails. "Good gracious said Hilda "How did yew ever dew that? "it was really simple" was Lenas reply. I yust hid his false teeth"!

Eighty-five year old Earl thought his wife, Edna, was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to set up an appointment to check her hearing. The earliest date available was two weeks out, but the doctor suggested this simple test in the meantime. Earl was to start out about 40 feet away from Edna, ask a question in a normal tone of voice, and see if she replies. If she doesn't, move ten feet closer until she responds.

The next day Edna is in the kitchen preparing dinner. Earl is in the living room and thinks to himself "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see if she can hear me." So he calls out "Edna, what's for dinner?" No reply. So Earl moves about ten feet closer and calls out "Edna, what's for dinner?" No reply. He moves ten feet closer and calls out again, still no reply. Finally he steps inside the kitchen door and asks, still no reply. Finally he steps right up behind her and says directly into her ear "Edna, what's for dinner?"

Edna slams down the spoon she's holding and says "Dang it, Earl! For the fifth time, we're having TURKEY!!!"

That sounds like the last time I went to the optometrist for a vision check. I wound up getting new lenses; new frames too. (Were you ever able to just get new lenses for your old frames? — Nope, ever happens.)

But the good news: The doc said I'm getting Cadillacs! Plural, no less. They musta been having a contest, eh? Great timing, my old beater is on its last legs er … wheels!

While driving in Pennsylvania a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor because attached to the back of the carriage was a handprinted sign--" Energy efficient Vehicle. Runs on oats and grass"---Caution: Don't step in the exhaust!

Wife: 'What are you doing?
'Husband : Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing..? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour.'
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

(You can blame Frnash for reminding me of this groaner. I tried to resist, but couldn't...)

Did you know that 80% of Oriental men have cataracts?

The rest drive Rincolns and Chevrorets.

(I said it was bad...)

A frat boy walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."
"Less?" the bartender said. "Never heard of it. What is it, some kind of foreign beer?"
"I'm not sure" the student replied. "My doctor told me about it. He said I should drink Less"

Late one evening at the Insane Asylum

A voice rings out through the facility, shouting "I am Napoleon!"
A second voice asks "How do you know?"
The first voice answers "Because God told me!"
A third voice rings out "I DID NOT!!!"

A pilot is flying his 747 on a nighttime flight at 35,000 feet. Suddenly a voice comes over the radio, saying "Flight 1234, this is the control tower. Turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."

The pilot is familiar with such a request when flying low over urban areas, but he's never heard of such a thing at altitude. So he replies "Roger tower, turning right 45 degrees. But we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we be making?"

The tower replies "Have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it collides with a 747 ?"

Dale Beitz (Dbeitz)
A pilot is flying his 747 on a nighttime flight …

That's a good 'un!

But I must pick a few "irrelevant" technical nits. (Only 'cuz so many folks, in general, are so seriously misinformed about aviation):

That aircraft would technically not be at 35,000 feet but at Flight Level 350, an altitude (pressure altitude) based on standard atmospheric pressure, which might vary dramatically from "35,000 feet", depending on the prevailing "true" atmospheric pressure.

Also, there would not be any radio contact between an aircraft at that altitude and a control tower but with an Air Route Traffic Control Center (ARTCC) instead (of which there are twenty in the continental USA, plus those in Anchorage, Honolulu, San Juan and Guam).

Communications with an Air Traffic Control Tower (ATCT) are limited to aircraft in the immediate vicinity of an airport having an operational control tower, generally that is only those aircraft within 4 nautical miles of the airport, up to and including 2,500 feet above the airport elevation — above ground level (AGL).

In short "towers" are only involved in "local control," the control of vehicles on the airport surface, including aircraft and other ground vehicles (ground traffic) as well as aircraft on a landing approach, on the active runway(s) and very briefly after departure as well as others that may be merely "passing through" the neighborhood (rare) within those limits (air traffic).

There was a break at the prison yesterday. An Ex-fortune teller, described as being short with dark hair, broke out of prison. The public is advised to be on the look out for a small medium at large.

FRNash, thanks for the aviation info! But I don't write the jokes, I just repeat 'em.

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde stops her car very close behind him. She jumps out of the car, runs up to the cab, and knocks on the window. The trucker rolls down the window and the blonde says "Hi! I'm Heather! I thought you'd like to know that you're losing some of your load." She jumps off the truck and gets back in her car as the light turns green. Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her.

At the next light, the blonde once again runs up to the cab and says "Hi! I'm Heather! You really should do something about all the stuff you're spilling on the road." Once again the trucker ignores the blond with an exasperated shake of his head.

When the trucker stops at the next light and sees that the blond is still making an effort to catch him, he jumps out of the truck and runs back to the blonde's car as she stops. When she lowers her window he says "Hello. I'm Kevin. It's winter in Michigan and I'm driving a SALT TRUCK!!!" (for you Yoopers, replace SALT with SAND)

It's Christmas Eve, and O'Flaherty is sitting in the bar. He orders martini after martini. As each drink arrives he carefully removes the olive and places it in a jar, then quaffs the martini. When the jar of olives is full, he calls for his tab and prepares to leave.

The bartender brings his bill and says "I gotta ask - what's with the olives?"

O'Flaherty replies "Nothing special. My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives for her Christmas party. She didn't tell me where I should get them..."

One last joke for 2008. Possibly the last "joke" post of the year???

Norman and his lovely blond wife live in Houghton. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say "We're going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street so the snow plows can get through." Norman's wife dutifully rushes outside and parks on the even side of the street. The next day it snows again, and the announcer says "The forecast today is for 6 to 8 inches of snow. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street to allow the snowplows room to work." Norman's wife again rushes out and parks on the odd side of the street. The next morning it's snowing again, and the announcer says "The forecast is for 12 to 14 inches of snow, and you must park...." but at that moment the power went out and they didn't hear the rest of the sentence. Norman's wife says "Honey, I don't know what to do! Which side of the street should I park on?"
Norman replies "Sweetie, why don't you just leave the car in the garage today?"

(I had first and last joke of the year for 2008, looks like I'll get first of 2009 as well. We'll need to wait a year to see if I get last of '09...)

A computer programmer was hiking in the woods one day when a frog called out to him and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." The programmer bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again, saying "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess. I'll promise to stay with you for at least a full week." The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, looked it over carefully, smiled, and put it back in. The frog spoke up a third time, saying "What is the matter with you? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess trapped in the shape of a frog. All you've got to do to set me free is give me a kiss. I'll stay with you for a full week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The programmer said "I'm a computer programmer. I spend all my time in front of a computer screen. I don't have time for friends, or girlfriends. But having a talking frog, now that's cool!!!"

(and BTW, I'm a computer programmer...)

Dale Beitz (Dbeitz):

Now dat's a good 'un, Dale, been dere, done dat! (Retired Software Engineer). I know 'zackly wa'cha mean!

No frog though. "[no ]time for friends, or girlfriends …" — no time fer walkin' in da woods either!

A man walks into his doctor's office. The patient has a carrot in his right ear, a cucumber in his left ear, and a pepper up his nose. The patient says "Doc, what's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies, "Well, obviously, you're not eating properly."

A true story (?) from the "good old days" of the WPA:

In the 1930's, Heikki went to work for the WPA in the U.P. of Michigan and he soon began complaining to some of the guys because he didn't have a shovel. He finally told the foreman about it. "Gee whiz," he said, "I don't have a shovel."

"Well, what are you complaining about?" replied the foreman. "You don't have to do any work if you don't have a shovel."

"I know," pouted Heikki, "but I don't have anything to lean on like the other guys."

Perhaps these "good old days" will be back soon.

One day a long, long, time ago there was a woman who neither whined, complained, or criticized. But that was a long time ago and it was just one day.

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake?"

I could not sleep one night and started reading some of the jokes and the next thing I knew the sun was coming up. A lot of funny ones.

Following is a possibly true story that takes place in a Finnish-American community located in the U.P. of Michigan.

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial trouble. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So, during his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Jaakko, Pekka, and Heikki raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The pastor knew that Jaakko and Pekka earned their living as salesmen and were capable of selling some Bibles. However, he had serious doubts about Heikki, who was a local farmer and who had kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Heikki stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Heikki, the pastor decided to let him try anyway.

The pastor sent the three men away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the pastor asked Jaakko, "Well, Jaakko, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the pastor an envelope, Jaakko replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 12 Bibles, and here's the $120 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jaakko," the pastor said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Then, turning to Pekka, the pastor said, "Pekka, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Pekka, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 20 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $200 that I collected."
The pastor responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Pekka. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the pastor turned to Heikki and said, "Heikki, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Heikki silently offered the pastor a large envelope.

The pastor opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the pastor exclaimed. "Heikki, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?"

Heikki just nodded. "That's impossible!" both Jaakko and Pekka said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we did."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," said the pastor, who didn't want to offend Heikki. "Please tell us how you managed to accomplish this, Heikki."

Heikki shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Pekka interrupted. "For crying out loud, Heikki, just tell us what you said when someone opened the door!"

"A-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Heikki replied, "w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-this B-B-Bible f-f-for t-t-t-ten b-b-bucks, o-o-or w-w-would y-y-you j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-to r-r-r-read it t-t-to y-y-y-you?"

That's a good'n, Matt!

A wealthy man went on a safari in Africa and took along his faithful pet dachshund. One day the dog starting chasing butterflies and was soon lost. As he tries to find his way back to his master he notices a leopard stalking him. The dachshund thinks to himself "Boy, I'm in trouble now!" Then he notices some bones on the ground and settles down to chew on them, his back to the leopard.

As the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund says "Boy, that was one tasty leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard thinks about it for a moment and then slinks away, thankful at missing that close call.

Meanwhile, a monkey has been watching the whole thing from a tree. He swings over to the leopard, planning on trading his knowledge of what the dachshund did for future protection from the leopard. So he tells his story to the leopard, and the leopard is furious. He tells the monkey "Hop on my back, and I'll show you what happens to conniving dogs."

But the dog had seen the monkey go after the leopard and had been furiously thinking himself. Making his plan, he continues to chew on the few remaining bones. As the leopard gets within striking distance, the dog says loudly "Darn it! Where's that monkey? It's been a half hour since I sent him off to get me another leopard!"

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize you need to break wind.
The music is really loud, so you time your releases with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are staring you down, and that's
when you remember, you've been listening to your ipod!

After having their 11th child, a Louisiana couple decided that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem, but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting fireworks in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem.'

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between
his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.


The procedure also works in Florida and Minnesota.

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says,
"Two Brazilian men die in skydiving accident."

She starts sobbing, "It's horrible, so many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there
is always risk involved."

After a few minutes, still sobbing, she says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

MICHIGAN FAMILY TAKE TURNS BEATING 7 YR OLD BOY


Detroit, MI (BP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Wayne County
courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should
have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and
the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law
and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more
than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge
then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that
they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that
domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took
the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Detroit Lions,
whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times as he was nearly swept away by the current.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." God gave him big arms and strong legs and a rowboat. He was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying "Please God, give me the strength and the tools * and the intelligence * to cross this river."

God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

Jan. 29) – The Austin, Texas, commute turned surreal this week after hackers replaced official traffic warnings on digital signs with some of their own.
"Zombies ahead! Run for your lives!" read one altered sign, according to KXAN in Austin.

Nazi Zombies! Run!!!" warned another, according to the Austin American-Statesman.
The pranksters apparently cut the padlocks that guard the computers on each individual sign, the local media reported, and hacked the computer password. The new signs went up Monday morning.
No zombies were actually sighted. The most obvious problem seemed to be rubber-necking drivers slowing down to photograph the fright-fest warnings.
Nevertheless, officials were quick to take the hooligans to task.
"This is really serious, and it is a crime," Sara Hartley, a spokeswoman for the city Public Works Department, told KXAN.
"It's sort of amusing, but not at all helpful," said Chris Lippincott, spokesman for the state Department of Transportation, according to Fox News. The network noted that tampering with road signs is a misdemeanor crime.
The hackers didn't make fixes easy for officials, either. The Dallas Morning News reported that after changing the signs, they changed the passwords, too.

Do you think the prank was funny?
Yes 1%
No

Total Votes: 1
Poll results are not scientific and reflect the opinions of only those users who chose to participate. Poll results are not reflected in real time.

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One of the students said to his friend, 'I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk like that.'

The other student says: 'No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly with his legs apart just as we learned in class.' Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said, 'We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?'

The old man said, 'I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think.'

One said, 'I think it's Petry Syndrome.'
The old man said, 'You thought, but you are wrong.'

The other said, 'I think it's Zovitzki Syndrome.'
The old man said, 'You thought, but you are wrong.

'Well, old timer, what do you have?'

The old man said, 'I thought it was gas........but I was wrong.'

Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary
from Joke of the Day

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

A blond enters a well-known superstore and goes to the home furnishings department. She asks the salesman for assistance in buying a pink curtain for her 17" PC screen. The salesman replies "Madam, computers do not need curtains." The blond replies, "Like, Hello! It's got Windows!"

In the old days when the English and Scottish were still fighting over territory, they would prepare for battle the night before. Each side would gather their armies on a hilltop on opposite sides of a valley. At daybreak they would run down into the valley and fight, with the survivors returning to the hilltops at the end of the day.

One morning there was a thick fog, so the sun couldn't be seen. Neither general would send his men down into the valley effectively blinded. While the armies were resting, a loud voice with a Scots accent rings out from the fog, saying "Any one Scotsman can beat any ten Englishmen"

With this, the English general sent down ten of his soldiers to answer the challenge. The sound of battle ensued, but none of the Englishmen returned to their hilltop. A short while later, the same voice was heard calling from the fog, saying "Any one Scotsman can beat any fifty Englishmen!"

The English general sent down fifty soldiers. Again there was the sound of battle, and again none of the Englishmen returned. A short while later the same voice shouted out "Any one Scotsman can beat any hundred Englishmen",

The English general sent down one hundred men. There was the sound of a terrible battle, and after waiting for a very long time, one wounded, bloody, and exhausted Englishman crawled back up the hill. As soon as he could speak, he said to the general "Don't send any more men - it's a trap! THERE'S TWO OF THEM!"

"I think my wife is selling drugs," a man remarked to his friend. "Yesterday I was running a little bit late for work when the phone rang. I answered it, but before I could say anything a male voice on the line said, "Hey honey, is that dope gone yet?"

The airplane had taxied onto the runway and was ready to take off. The passengers heard the engines run up to full power, then spool back down. The plane slowly moved off the runway and back to the gate. The flight crew got off the plane. An hour passed (with no explanation other than there will be a delay) and the flight crew got back on the plane and proceeded to take off.

A short time into the flight, the flight attendant came around with drinks. A passenger asked "What was the delay?" The attendant replied "Oh, the pilot thought he heard a funny noise in the engines when he ran them up to full power. It took the airline an hour to find a different pilot."

In the old west, a big city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by a rancher. The old man's prized bull was missing from the section of land that the railroad ran through. The rancher claimed that the railroad had something to do with the bull going missing and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to go before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

Before proceedings began, the attorney cornered the old man and tried to get him to settle out of court. After a good deal of badgering by the lawyer, the old man agreed to settle for half of the value of the bull. Their agreement was reported to the justice, he dismissed the case, and the attorney presented a check to the old man on behalf of the railroad.

After the paperwork was signed, the attorney said "I hate to tell you, old man, but I got the better of you in there. There's no way I could have won the case. The engineer was half asleep after pulling a double shift and and the fireman was drunk when the train went through your ranch that day. I didn't have a single credible witness that I could call. It was a total bluff."

The rancher replied "Well, I'll tell you my side of the story, young feller. I had doubts about winning the case myself, since that old bull wandered back home this morning!"

A blond calls her boyfriend and says "Please come over here and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle that I need your help with." The boyfriend asks what the puzzle is of, she says that the picture on the box shows a tiger.

The boyfriend dutifully goes over to help. when he arrives, she shows him the puzzle pieces spread all over the table. She says she has no idea where to start. He asks to see the box, and she hands it to him. He studies the box, the pieces, and the blond for a moment and says "I'm sorry to say that no matter what we do, we're never going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling the picture on the box. Why don't you sit down and have a cup of tea while I put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent set up, both men crawled in and promptly fell asleep.

Some hours later, the LR is awoken by Tonto, who says "Kemo Sabe, look toward the sky. What do you see?" The LR replies "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asks Tonto.

The LR ponders for a moment then says "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately 3:15AM. Theologically, it tells me the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a bright, sunny day tomorrow. What's it mean to you, Tonto?"

Tonto replies "It mean to me that Kemo Sabe miss obvious thing. Someone stole the tent."

A blond and her husband are on vacation, staying at a hotel. The blond goes out to get some sodas from the pop machine. When she's gone an exceptionally long time, the husband goes out to see what is going on. He finds her standing at the pop machine, screaming "You're a dumb-looking button! You have no future! You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button! I've got better looking buttons than you on the dress I'm wearing!"

Surprised by this apparently nonsensical tirade, the husband asks what is going on. The blond replies "Well, duh!" as she points at the instructions on the machine, which read DEPRESS BUTTON FOR SERVICE.

(presented as a true story)

The flight from San Francisco to LA began with a 45 minute delay, resulting in many upset passengers. Then there was an unexpected stop in Sacramento on the way, where there would be another hour delay. The pilot announced that passengers could depart the plan for a half hour if they so wished, at which point the re-boarding would be announced.

The second-to-last passenger on the plane noticed a blind man sitting near the front of the plane with his seeing eye dog curled up around his feet. The pilot stepped out of the cockpit and approached the blind man, saying "Keith, we're going to be on the ground for most of an hour. You have a half-hour to get out and stretch your legs if you want." Keith replied "No thanks, Tom. I'll sit this one out. But my dog could use a break. Would you mind taking him for me?"

Imagine the reaction as a pilot, wearing dark glasses, steps off the plane with a seeing eye dog! Not only were people trying to change flights, they were making sure to get on a different airline!

A local computer firm received an order from an inner city school for one computer. When the delivery man arrived, he found that the school was an old 10 story building. He goes to the office and says he's delivering a computer. He is directed to a classroom on the top floor. There are no working elevators.

After a long climb with his heavy parcel, the delivery man reaches the classroom. A very chipper-seeming teacher is lecturing the class, and waves the delivery man in when he is noticed. The teacher asks the man to set the boxes on a table and asks him to stay for a demonstration. The teacher expertly connects the computer parts together, but oddly enough doesn't plug anything into the wall. The deliveryman watches as the teacher picks up the entire PC and carefully carries it to the window. One student is asked to open the window, and another to fetch a pencil and a sheet of paper. The student is told to insert the pencil through the paper, then on the count of three the teacher and the student drop their respective loads out the window.

The deliveryman is horrified at the loud crash as the computer smashes into the ground ten stories below, the paper and pencil fluttering to the ground several seconds later. He is deafened by the cheers of the students, and stunned by the teacher's unexpected reaction. When the students finally quiet down, the teacher calmly says "You see, class, a computer is MUCH faster than a pencil and a piece of paper."

Hubby gets home from work to find wifey in tears. She explains that she called their doctor for some advice, and was insulted and treated very rudely by the doc. Hubby calls the doc to find out what is going on. When the doctor answers the phone, hears the complaint, and finds out who it is, he says "Ah, yes. I thought you might call. I'm sorry to say that I was having a very bad day. Your wife called at a particularly bad time. She explained that her new prescription consisted of some suppositories and she didn't know how to use them. I simply answered her question!"

When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter paradise , God appeared and said, "I want married men to make two lines. One line for men who were true heads of their household, and another line for men who were dominated by their wives. I want all women and unmarried men to report to St. Peter." Soon, the women and single men were gone and there were two lines formed for married men.

The line of men who were dominated by their wives was 1,000 miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. You have not followed my directions in the Scriptures. You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your responsibility. Of all of you, only one obeyed! Learn from this man."

God then turned to the one man and asked, "You are the only one in this line. How did you manage that?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

St. Paul Lutheran Church has a quarterly husband's marriage seminar. At the last session, the Pastor asked Ole, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

"Vell", Ole began, "I've tried to treat her nice, spend da money on her, but best of all I took her to Norvay for da 20th anniversary!"

The Pastor responded, "Ole, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your 50th anniversary."

Ole proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go get her."

Ole, a furniture dealer from Minnesota , decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful Parisian woman came to his table, asked him something in French (which Ole couldn't understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language, so after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with hors d'oeuvres on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a violinist playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She smiled, nodded, and they got up to dance.

They danced until the cafe closed. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Ole has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business!


Uff-dah!

Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son.

I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just
dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working.

"Did you get the green one, too?" he asked

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life-like you wouldn't believe it! They are posed with open trench coats, exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers. I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my life-like men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before state police car pulled up behind me. The officer got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going on here?" he demanded.

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers."

How To Clean a Toilet

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.   
 
1. Put both lids of the toilet up, add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.   
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.     
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid. 
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.    
5. Flush the toilet three or four times.  This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.   
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.    
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly ! lift the lid.   
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry Himself off.     
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.      

Sincerely,     
The Dog     

Gizmo Corp., feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO that was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the new CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers, and he wanted to let them know he meant business.

He walked up to the guy at the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?' A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'About $400 a week. Why?'

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT, and don't come back!' The guy quickly left without saying a word.

Feeling good about himself, he scanned the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball did here? From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy..... from Domino's.'

At Stockholm Lutheran Church, Cokato, Minnesota, the choir struggled to master the new Easter anthem. After many futile attempts, a member finally quipped, "Check the words of the last three measures: 'Father, fogive them for they know not what they do.'"

(From the April, 2008 issue of The Lutheran magazine.)

A Jewish Father was concerned about his only son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish Faith. To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our fathers" the young son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity." Oy vey," replied the Father. "What have I done?"

So in the tradition of the partiarchs, they went to his best friend and sought advice and solace. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the friend. "I too sent my only son to Israel and he also returned a Christian."

So in the tradition of the patriarch they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me." stated the Rabbi. "I too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers we must take this to God."

At that, they all fell to their knees and began to wail, pray and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed, the clouds above opened and a mighty voice said, "Amazing that you should come to me with this.... as I too sent my only son to Israel......."

A man is sitting in a bar far from home when President Obama comes on TV. The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's patoot!"

Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking him off the bar stool, then stomps out.

He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer. Shortly after, the First Lady appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, "She is a horse's patoot, too!"

Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.

He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama country?"

"Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country."

The phone rings at the front desk of St Joseph's Hospital. When the receptionist answers, the timid voice of an old woman can be heard. The voice asks "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The receptionist says "I can get you that information, what is the name of the patient, and the room number if you know it?"
The voice says "Norma Findlay, room 302" "Just a moment please." replies the operator.

A few minutes later the operator returns to the call and says "OK, I have good news! The nurse just told me that Norma is doing quite well. Her blood pressure is good, her blood work came back normal. Her physician has noted on her records that she can be discharged on Tuesday."

The old woman replies "Thank you! That's wonderful news. I was so worried!"

The operator replied "You're quite welcome. You seemed quite concerned. Is Norma your daughter?"

The old woman says "No, I'm Norma. They haven't told me a darn thing since I checked in."

A husband and wife are out grocery shopping. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing? We agreed to cut back on unnecessary purchases." The husband says "But beer is on sale! Only $10 for a case." The wife says "Put it back, we can't afford it." Grumbling, the husband reluctantly re-shelves the beer.

Several aisles later the wife picks up a $20 jar of facial moisturizer and puts it in the cart. The husband asks "What are you doing? I thought we were cutting back on non-essentials." The wife replies, "That's my face cream. You want me to look young and sexy for you, don't you?"

The husband says "The beer will do the same - at half the price!"

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

'What was that for?' he asked.

'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.

'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.

'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation.'


Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the cast iron skillet,
which knocked him out cold.


When he came to, he asked, 'What the heck was that for?'

She replied.......'Your horse called.'

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending a company party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to undress you to clean you up and put you to bed, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

The economy is so bad", one friend said to another, "when I got in a cab the other day, the driver spoke English"

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now just because I’m blond doesn’t mean that I’m automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year… namely, that in just ONE YEAR those windows would pay for themselves!

"Helllooooo”? (I told him). “It’s been a year!”

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so finally I just hung up…. He hasn’t called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won’t underestimate a blond anymore. Heh.

A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were on the golf course one morning. Ahead of them was an extremely slow foursome, which was causing them to wait and making them rather upset. About this time the greenskeeper came by and they asked him if he knew anything about the slow golfers. The greenskeeper said "Oh, that's a group of blind firefighters. Tragic, really. The clubhouse here caught fire several years ago and they were caught in an explosion. We let them play for free anytime they want."

After a moment's silence, the pastor said "I will pray to the Lord for more patience for myself, and I will definitely pray for these poor men."

The doctor said "Good idea. And I'll contact some friends at Johns Hopkins Medical School and see if there are any new procedures that might restore their eyesight."

The engineer, still miffed at the wait, says "Can't they play at night?"

A few "shorties":

How do you make $1 million in the stock market these days?
>>>>> Start with $3 Million!

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Did you hear about the driver who lost control of his car?
>>>>> He couldn't keep up his payments.

Don't marry for money. You can borrow it more cheaply.

How do you double the value of a GM vehicle?
>>>>> Fill it with gas!

A couple invited some people to dinner. At the table, the wife turned to their six year old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say" the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A tourist seeking a cab reaches the curb just as a cab pulls up and drops off a passenger. The tourist gets in, and the driver says "Perfect timing, just like Frank." The tourist asks "Who is Frank?"

Cabbie: Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Tourist: He couldn't have been that great, everyone makes mistakes sometimes.

Cabbie: But Frank Feldman was a terrific athlete. He could have won the tennis Grand Slam, or the Tour de France in biking. He could have beat Tiger Woods at golf. He sang like Pavarotti, and danced like Astaire. And you should have heard him at the piano! He was a great guy.

Tourist: Sounds like he was someone special.

Cabbie: Oh, there's more! He had a memory like a computer, never forgot a birthday or anniversary. He knew all about high-class food and wine, knew which fork to use and when. He could fix anything. Unlike me. I change a fuse in the electrical box and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.

Tourist: Wow, he was really some great guy.

Cabbie: He always knew the fastest way to get through complicated traffic and avoid traffic jams. I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake. He really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never talk back or argue, even if she was wrong. His clothing was always immaculate, and his shoes had an unbelievable shine. He was perfect! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Tourist: Amazing fellow. I take it you were good friends?

Cabbie: Never met him. But I'm married to his widow.

What's the best way for a woman to ensure her husband remembers their anniversary?

Get married on his birthday.

two boys in the third grade. One is a U of M fan the other, an OSU fan.

Which one is bigger?


Wait for it..........


The OSU fan... he's 18

How do you make a batch of OSU cookies?


Wait for it.....


put all the necessary ingredients in a Bowl and beat for 3 hours

Q: How do you get an Ohio State Graduate off your front porch?

Wait for it.....


A: Pay him for the pizza.

News Flash


It was reported that the Ohio Football Coach Jim Tressel will only be dressing 40 players for the Michigan game …


the rest of the players will have to dress themselves.

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Bubbie: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Bubbie: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Bubbie: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Bubbie: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Bubbie: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Bubbie: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Bubbie: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Bubbie: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Bubbie: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Bubbie: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Bubbie: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Bubbie: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL: Don't Mess With Bubbie

A man called his mother in Florida.

He said to his mother, "How are you doing?"

She said, "Not too good. I've been very weak."

The son then asked, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son then asked, "Why you haven't eaten in 38 days!?"

She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."

Looked for a good Friday the 13th joke, but couldn't find one suitable for this forum. Here's a substitute.

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 45, 5 foot 4, bald, chubby, has bloodshot eyes, a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know.

I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama." The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it any more than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"

"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah."

Every year during deer hunting season a farmer found at least one of his animals shot dead by a careless hunter. But this year he had a plan. He bought several gallons of blaze orange paint and headed to the paddock. On the side of his horses he painted HORSE. On the side of his cows he painted COW. On the side of his sheep he painted SHEEP. He did this for all his animals. On Nov 14 he went to bed, certain that he wouldn't have any dead animals this year.

On opening day the farmer is awakened by gunshots and goes out to the paddock to investigate. He checks his horses, none are injured. He checks his cows and sheep, all of his animals are safe. He finally finds his tractor has been riddled with bullets. Then he realized - while the tractor itself was green, painted on the side in yellow letters was DEERE.

The Holy Father the Pope was visiting the United States and was awakened by a knock at his bedroom door. It was the police Chauffer who had come to pick him up in a limo for breakfast. After dressing in his finery the Pope asked the officer if he could drive. The officer replied that that was impossible.

The Pope pleaded with him cause he wasn't ever allowed to drive. Going on to explain his visits to South America and Europe he had also asked to drive and no one would let him.

Very reluctanly the chauffer allowed him to drive and the Pope got in the drivers seat and he hopped in back to be more invisible behind all the darkened bullet-proof glass.

Well, the Pope was so happy the started to ignore the traffic lights and speed, exceeding 100 mph in some cases. And of course this was going to get noticed and he was pulled over. The policeman immeditally got on his radio and asked to speak to the Chief of Police.

After locating the Chief he said, 'I think I may have a diplomatic problem and I wanted to know how to handle this.'

The chief asked 'who did you stop? Is it the the Mayor.'

I think he's bigger than that.'

'Is it the Governor?'.

He again replied I think he's bigger than that.'
The Chief couldn't think of anyone bigger so he asked, 'Is it the President?'

In a whisper the officer said, 'I really think it's God, cause his drivers the Pope.

One year a man decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year he didn't buy her anything. When she asked him why, he replied. "Well you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year"

A young child climbs onto Santa's lap at the local mall. As the child gets settled, Santa asks "And what do you want for Christmas this year?" The child's eyes scrunch up in disappointment as they say in a horrified voice, "Didn't you get my e-mail?"

Three men died in a car accident on their way home from the office Christmas party. They are met by St Peter at the pearly gates, who informs them that because they died as a result of their own drunken driving, they must present some article that has some relationship to Christmas in order to get in.

The first man produces a cigarette lighter, flicks it on, and says "The flame represents a candle." Peter lets him in.

The second man fumbles in his pockets for a moment and produces a set of keys. He shakes them up and down saying "They jingle, like sleigh bells." Peter lets him in.

The third man digs frantically through his pockets, rejecting item after item. Finally he pulls an item from his back pocket and gets a big grin on his face. He hands Peter a pair of women's nylons. Peter asks how these could possibly symbolize Christmas.

The man replies "They're Carol's."

During the period before lunch, a teacher announced that she would dismiss several students from class 10 minutes early based on a Q&A session she would hold. She asked her first question "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country' ?". Several hands went in the air, including Billy, but the teacher called on Mary who correctly answered "John Kennedy". Mary was dismissed.
The teacher then asked "Who began a speech with 'Four score and seven years ago...' ?" Again several hands went up, including Billy's, but this time Alicia was called on, who correctly answered Abe Lincoln. Alicia was dismissed.
The teacher then asked "Who gave a speech that included the phrase 'I have a dream...' ?" Again Billy's hand goes up, but Beth is called on, she correctly answers "Martin Luther King, Jr.", and is dismissed.
As the teacher turns her back on the class to walk to her desk, someone mutters "I wish those girls would just shut up." The teacher immediately turns and asks in a stern voice "Who said that?"
Billy jumps up and says "Tiger Woods! See you after lunch, teacher!"

This one's in the "don't mess with grandma" category.

An elderly lady who recently completed a self-defense class was doing her shopping. Upon returning to her car, she found four males in the act of leaving with her car. Pushing her shopping cart out of the way, she drew her handgun and proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of that car, you dirty rotten scoundrels!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back seat of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter. There stood four pale white males who were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman. She was described as white, less than 5' tall, wearing glasses, having curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed. (presented as a true story)

Thanks Dale, lost another aunt today and needed the laugh.

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer the patient a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the teaspoon or the cup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Would you like a bed near the window?"

One day an older, tired-looking dog wandered into a homeowner's yard. The dog was friendly, and obviously was well-fed and being taken care of by someone. After a round of petting, he followed the homeowner inside, picked a spot in the corner, and laid down to sleep. Several hours later he got up and waited at the door to be let out.
This went on for several days. Finally the homeowner couldn't contain their curiosity. They wrote a note and pinned it to the dog's collar. It read "I would like to find out who the owner of this sweet, wonderful dog is. Did you know that he's coming to my house every day for a nap?"
The next day the dog arrived with a different note pinned to his collar. This note read "He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 of which are under the age of 3. He's found a way to catch up on his sleep. Would you mind if I started coming with him?"

The Difference Between Grandfathers and Grandmothers

An older man who worked away from home all week always made a special effort to spend time with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your day with grandma?' he asked.

'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single idiot, jerk, young punk, or horse's patoot anywhere we went today!'

(Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? Grandpa's words altered from original to be acceptable to this forum.)

St Paddy's Day groaner:
Why should you never iron a 4 leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!

My mom is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

More "That's how the fight started"

My wife sat down next to me as I was channel surfing. She asked "Anything on the TV?"
"Dust", I replied.
And that's how the fight started.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for her anniversary gift. She said she wanted something shiny that went from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's how the fight started.

My wife was looking at herself in the mirror. She was not happy with what she saw. "I feel horrible. I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I told her that her eyesight was perfect.
And that's how the fight started.

A new doctor opened his practice in Calumet. Shortly thereafter an old Yooper couple came to his office. The gent waited in the reception area while the lady went in back to be treated. A few minutes later the gent heard a loud scream followed by the the sight of his wife stamping out from the treatment room and running for the car. When the gent got to the car, he found his wife crying and continuing to scream. After several minutes calming her down, the yooper asked wife what the problem was. After hearing her story, he stomps back into the office and demands to see the doctor.

When the doctor comes out, the old man says "My wife is 64 years old. Our last child was born 40 years ago. Why would you tell her she was pregnant?"

The doctor replied "She's not hicupping anymore, is she?"

As Christmas approached, a patient reported to his psychiatrist that he always had problems around the holiday because he was afraid of Santa. After checking the latest medical journals, the shrink was happy to report that he had a diagnosis. The patient was Claus-trophobic.

A friend from Houghton just called. He said that the snow has been falling since early morning, is nearly waist-high, and it's still falling. The temperature is already below zero, and the forcast is for the winds to swing into the north and pick up speed, with temps getting even colder. He said his wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all morning.
He said if it gets too much worse out there, he'll have to think about letting her in.

Two men were sitting in a bar and had been drinking for quite some time. The big screen TV was playing a documentary about shipwreck diving. One man turned to the other and said "Ya know, I've always wondered why divers fall backwards into the water."
The other man replied "What are you, stupid? If they fell forward they'd still be in the boat."

Near the end of a job interview, the HR person asked the young engineer, fresh out of MIT, what starting salary he was looking for. The recent grad said around $125,0000, depending on how good the benefits package was. The HR person thought for a moment, then asked what the grad would think about a $125K salary, plus 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical, dental, and vision insurance, company matched retirement fund up to 50% of his salary, and a leased company car that would be replaced every 2 years - and for such a fine, upstanding young man as he, a Corvette would be appropriate. Would that work?
The grad jumped out of his char and shouted "Wow, are you kidding?"
The HR person said "Yes, I am, but you started it."

(Not sure what made me think of this old favorite today - a groaner, but a goodie)

In ancient times, a master spy had infiltrated the highest level of the Babylonian royal court. As often happens, the spy was discovered and ran for his life, carrying with him various documents that he hoped to smuggle back to his kingdom. This particular spy headed out across the desert to make his escape, and the king sent his best general to command the pursuit. After some time, the spy realized he would likely be caught. He decided to sneak into a Babylonian step-pyramid temple, known as a ziggurat, to burn the incriminating papers he had, hoping that the smoke rising from the temple would be seen as burnt offerings and thus not arouse suspicion. But the general was a religious man, schooled in the worship of Marduk. When he saw the smoke rising from the temple, he knew that it was the wrong time for burnt offerings, and the spy was caught. Soon a message was sent throughout the ancient intelligence community:

Warning! The searchin' general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be hazardous to your stealth.

During a recent security audit at Disney, it was found that a certain blond employee was using the following password:
“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she chose that, she explained that the rules said your password had to include at least 8 characters and one capital.

OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS_____________ When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, 'I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents.'

Speaking of blondes.....a fellow bought his pretty blonde wife a cellphone for her birthday. The next day while she was out shopping, he decided to call her to see how she liked the cellphone. She replied that she really liked it, but her main concern was.....how he knew she was at Wal-Mart.

From the Finnish American Reporter:
Toivo climbs to the top of Mt. Arvon to be closer
to God.
God, can you hear me now? he asks.
God says Yes, Toivo, how can I help you?
Toivo says I have a couple of questions.
Sure, go ahead.
God, how much is a minute to you?
Oh, about a million years, Toivo.
And how much is a penny to you?
Oh, probably about a million dollars to you, God
says.
Toivo, God, can you spare me one penny?
Sure, Toivo, in a minute.

True story: My buddy Jim went in for his annual
physical and the doctor found something he
couldn't quite figure out. Since it was late in
the day, he checked Jim into the hospital
overnight for additional tests.
In the morning, his brother-in-law is sitting in
the room with him when the nurse comes in, and
swears this is true.
The nurse walks up to the bed, where Jim in lying
with a breathing mask over his face. She asks him
how he is doing and Jim, through the mask, says
"Can you see if my testacles are black?"
The nurse looks at the brother-in-law with a
strange look on her face, but being a nurse, she
does as was requested.
No, she says, everything is fine down there.
Whereupon Jim takes off the mask and says "Listen
to me very carefully. Can you see if my test
results are back?"

Two retirees are having coffee and the first one
is bragging about how good his new hearing aids
are.
I should have gotten them two years ago. I can
hear everything. I even changed my will three
times in the last week.
Second guy is impressed. Maybe I need to check
those out if they are that good. What kind is it?
Oh, its about a quarter to ten.
........
Two women who have known each other for 70 years,
since grade school, are playing cards. The first
one looks at the other for the longest time and
says "You are gonna hate me, but I have forgotten
your name."
Second one returns the stare, then glares at her
for well over a minute and then says "How soon do
you have to know?"

Government surveyors came to Ole's Minnesota farm last spring and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed, and Lena even served them a nice meal at noontime.

After their work was done, the surveyors told Ole, "You were so kind to us, we wanted to give you the bad news in person, instead of by letter."

"What's the bad news?", asked Ole.

"Well, your farm is right on the state line," the surveyors said, "and after our work was completed, we discovered your farm is not in Minnesota. It's actually in Iowa."

"That's the best news I've had in a long time," said Ole. "I was just telling Lena this morning that I don't think I can take another winter in Minnesota!"

I like that one, Waveaction.

An elderly man was seen stumbling down the street shortly after 2AM one morning. A police officer approached him and asked what he was doing out so late.
The man replied that he was on his way to a lecture about the evils of drinking, smoking, and staying out late.
The cop asked who would be delivering such a lecture at this time of the night.
The old man said, that would be my wife.